Happy New Year!

Well, hello there. It's been awhile, eh? It's high time I dust this thing off and start blogging regularly again.

It's also an exciting time for me to blog again because I DON'T have any major life events to contend with, so I can actually focus on myself! Huzzah!

But 2013 was still a great year, what with that wedding and all. And I can say that the Beau and I were successfully married. I'm now a Mrs! It was, simply, the best day of my life.

Dad walking me down the aisle

With my family

With my NEW family

Outside the church

The holidays were their regular whirlwind of family, food and fun. But now it's done and 2014 is here and I've decided this is the year of me. The year I'm going to focus on what I want, on doing what I want to do, on putting my needs first.

This in itself will be a challenge, as I've always focused on what others want (and I don't say this in a I'm-a-martyr kind of way; more in a I'm-not-confident-enough-to-put-my-needs-first kind of way) so I've decided it's time to get better at saying and doing what I want, because the world will not end if I pick what movie we're going to watch or decide what we're having for dinner.

That said, my goals for this year are about excess, rather than cutting back. For example:

1. Eat more foods that make me feel good about myself. So more fruit and vegetables; more lean meat and steak; more smoothies, especially with spinach.

2. Run more, because it makes me feel good. I would like to get a 5K under my belt this year (I do have something else planned, but more on that shortly) but the way I feel physically and mentally when I run is more important than finishing a bunch of races. Though that would be cool too.

3. Knit more, and be more creative overall. Crafting for the wedding took up much of my creativeness last year and it was enjoyable, but now I'm looking forward to making things for the fun of it or for friends and family or even for myself (GASP!) because I want to. So I will.

4. Read more. I tend to go through phases when I can't seem to read enough but then suddenly books are dull and all I want to do are crossword puzzles and play on Twitter. This year, I've started off strong with The Demonologist and I've got quite the list for the rest of the year. And I want to start writing about what I read, too, so that will happen here.

5. Do more yoga. And by "more", I mean "any". I've signed up for four weeks of beginner classes with my sister-in-law so that's pretty exciting. They start next Saturday and I'm looking forward to being bendier.

6. Complete a triathlon. Wait, what? Yup, triathlon. It's just a wee one (375m swim, 12km bike, 3km run) so I'm confident it's something I can not only complete but enjoy doing. It's in July so I've got lots of time to train. Here's hoping Toronto thaws soon because it's hard to run on ice.

7. Be nicer to myself. This is going to be the hardest one on the list but it's something I need to do. I need to be kinder to myself, to tell myself good things, to think good things, to believe in good things. I've been seeing a counselor to help me with this; two sessions so far, with another scheduled for next week. It's been good so far and I'm hoping for more good to come out of it. It might seem weird to be seeing someone to work on self-confidence but it's something I've needed for awhile and I'm glad I'm doing it.

There are things I'm not going to worry about this year, too.

Firstly, my weight. It's something I'm always going to be aware of, for sure, but I'm not going to be obsessed with the number or with what I think I should weigh. Because if I eat right and train regularly for my triathlon, plus just run more, I'll see positive changes in my body, all without worrying about the number on the scale.

Secondly, I'm going to make a HUGE effort to not worry about the size tags on my clothes. This is going to be a big challenge, but something that I need to do for myself. If what I wear fits me well and looks good on m (and if no one else knows what size I wear), then who cares?! Right? Right.

And third, I'm going to stop stressing about how clean and organized my house is. It's a work in progress and likely will be for years and that's okay. As long as I work to keep it as neat as I can (as we can, as the hubby always helps), that is all that is needed.

It's going to be a good year, I can feel it. And with the house bought and the wedding over, it's going to be a year full of small, exciting, wonderful things and I can't wait!

An indefinite scale hiatus

Remember how I said I'd start back up with the weigh-ins the Wednesday after the long weekend? Well, the more astute of you would have noticed that the Wednesday after the long weekend came and went with nary a weigh-in blog post.

Now, I did get on the scale. Turns out I weigh more than I did before I started Weight Watchers.

But here's the other thing: I've had people tell me recently (like on Thursday) that I look slimmer and I have been asked if I've lost weight.

Which means there have definitely been changes happening to my body, which is good, but they aren't changes that are necessarily identified by the number on the scale. Some of my clothes are tighter on me now but other pieces fit me the same as when I was a lower weight.

So when you combine this with my deeply entrenched angst towards other numbers (like clothing sizes) I think it might be good for me to not weigh in. I know that is a big part of the Weight Watchers program but I just don't want to take part in that weekly weigh-in anymore. I'm still going to remain part of Weight Watchers because there are a lot of benefits to it and I did successfully lose almost 20 lb before.

And I am still going to blog, to talk about the wedding and the house and my life and, yes, my efforts to get in better shape and to be healthier. It's just I can't do the scale right now. Maybe one day I will go back to it and I will find my motivation in that number but right now it's stresses me out more than it helps and if I want to get in better shape - physically, mentally and emotionally - I need to stick to the things that help, not hinder.

So now begins the indefinite scale hiatus.

The dumps

I've been in the dumps lately, for reasons known and unknown, and decided it would be a good idea to hop on the scale. You know, just to see how things were going.

Bad idea.

I'm supposed to be back into my weekly weigh-ins next Wednesday and I'm slowly coming to two realizations:

1 - My current weight may be as good as it gets for me.
2 - This completely depresses me.

Yeah.

WW Weigh-In #46

I weighed in yesterday, I promise! Though, once again, no change:

Last week: 189.4 lb
This week: 189.4 lb
Total gained this week: 0 lb

Weight loss target: 181.8 lb (185 lb by December 31)
To reach target: 8.4 lb (4.4 lb by December 31)

Though I did have a minor breakthrough yesterday: I got myself out of the doldrums I'd been in for the better part of two weeks. Turns out all I needed was a good workout. (Funny how that works.) And I feel much better, not just physically but mentally and emotionally as well.

The house is slowly coming together as well, which is helping me with my stress and we're moving ahead with venues for the wedding. Slowly but surely everything is coming together.

Hopefully my weight will do the same. (Though come down, rather than come together. But you know what I mean.)

WW Weigh-In #45

It's still a struggle.

Last week: 189.4 lb
This week: 189.4 lb
Total gained this week: 0 lb

Weight loss target: 181.8 lb (185 lb by December 31)
To reach target: 8.4 lb (4.4 lb by December 31)

Honestly, I'm beginning to think this is the best I'll ever do. And with the wedding, I'm even more stressed about my weight.

And when I'm stressed I eat bad food.

And when I eat bad food my weight goes up.

And when my weight goes up I get stressed.

And when I get stressed...

And so it goes.

Sigh.

WW Weigh-In #44

I'm back on the scale this week!

Last week: N/A
Two weeks ago: 188.2 lb
This week: 189.4
Total gained this week: 1.2 lb

Honestly that's about what I expected. I've treated my body so poorly over the past couple of weeks and, I'll admit, I'm having a really hard time getting back into any kind of routine. I know I just need to force myself so that's the plan tomorrow. Even if it's just for a walk, at least it's something.

The house is coming along nicely, though, and I spent a good portion of today carting boxes of books from the basement to the main floor (cardio + strength training, am I right?!). And the election kept me out pretty late last night - I didn't get home until 4:30 this morning. So I'm pretty tired tonight.

I'm still aiming for 185 lb by the end of the year - and with the Christmas season approaching that will be a challenge. But I know me: once I start making time for exercise my body will want food that will keep it fueled for more exercise...and the upward spiral will start.

I just need to get back to the gym!

New ways to measure progress

My allergies are still pretty bad so running is on the back burner indefinitely. The good news is that I'm over my initial funk and I'm planning to lace up my sneakers again as soon as my lungs allow.

Until then, I've decided to find new ways to measure progress. If I can't count distance or running time, I'll measure something else, dammit!

So what am I going to measure?

Firstly, push-ups. I can do 15 of them - just not in a row. But when I do three sets of weights, I do five push-ups at the end of each set and my arms are dying when I'm done but it's worth it. I want to be able to do 10 push-ups in one go, 15 after that and then...the sky's the limit!

(But first 10. Let's not get carried away or anything.)

Secondly, planks. I want to be able to hold one for one full minute. I tend to max out at 30 seconds, but it's me counting 30 seconds, which I'm sure is a bit of a cheat. I'll have to get the Beau to time me or at least get real clock to measure. But one minute for a plank is where it's at.

And thirdly, sleep. (Bet you didn't see THAT coming!) I want to start making sure I get enough sleep each night and that I'm properly rested. Getting enough sleep is important not just for weight loss but for happy living in general - because I'm a grump when I'm tired. My job makes a regular waking schedule hard but I'm starting to wake up around 8:30 most mornings on my own, which is when I need to get up for work anyways so that's good. I just need to be diligent about going to bed at the same time each night (as much as possible) and actually relaxing myself enough to sleep through the night.

I'm still going to weigh in, of course, and hopefully the scale keeps going down. And when I start running again I'm going to focus on time and distance and get up to regular 3km runs. It will be interesting to see what I can achieve first!

All about numbers

Last year, when I was trying (and not really succeeding) to lose weight on my own, I used various online calculators to determine my BMI, happy weight, ideal weight and ideal caloric intake.
(I know there's a blog post somewhere, I'm just too lazy to look it up. Sorry.)

Tonight I decided it was time to check these numbers again, minus the caloric intake since I'm using WW points.

Here's what I got:

BMI: 29.1 (which puts me at overweight)
Ideal weight: 118 - 159 lb
Happy weight: 148.1 lb

Well now.

It seems a bit obvious that I'd be happy weighing 148.1 lb but I don't feel like my body would look all that good at that weight. And 159 lb would put my BMI at 24.9, which happens to be the top end of my healthy BMI range. So that makes sense, but I still don't get the happy weight number.

Regardless, this also shines new light onto my goals. I wanted to hit 170 lb eventually; apparently I should be aiming 11 - 22 lb lower than that. And considering how hard it's been for me to get down to my current weight loss goal (10% of my body weight lost, or 181.8 lb) the idea of hitting these new weight loss targets is daunting.

I understand these are here for my health and to give me something to strive for. But I can't help feel a little discouraged by it all.

I was all ready to call 170 lb my happy weight, too.

(I used these calculators at self.com. Feel free to use them too, hopefully with more encouraging results!)

Tomorrow

My weigh-in tomorrow isn't going to be good, I'm afraid. It's partly because of a weekend at the cottage where I relaxed my eating standards; it's partly because I didn't exercise as much as I should have; and it's partly because of sweets.

My name is Jen and I'm a sweets-o-holic. I have a huge sweet tooth and there's nary a chocolate something I turn down. I'm not into candies and such; rather chocolate bars, cakes and cookies are my weakness.

I've been thinking a lot about this lately and about how I'd be much more successful in my weight loss if I could kick the sweets habit. I would love to be one of those people who could give them up cold turkey and not think about it again. Alas, I'm not. The second I tell myself I'm giving something up, all I do is crave it. It also doesn't help that there's a Tim Horton's in my building. While I'm good about avoiding muffins and bagels for breakfast, it's lunch and coffee time that kill me. I'll go get a chicken wrap (only 5 points!) but cave and get it in a combo with a cookie (7-8 points!). With 30 points a day it's really not worth it yet I do it more than I should.

Dinners at work have been giving me trouble lately too, in that I've been overindulging waaaaaay too much. But because naan is so good, I cave once again.

So I guess it's not just sweets; it's doughy, bready, chewy, floury things that I love. I guess I've always known this and I think that's why I eschewed fruit for so long: I wanted something chewier dammit!

I also keep telling myself that I need to start planning my meals better, even log my points ahead of time, so I know exactly what I'm eating each day. And every time I think about this I find some reason to start...tomorrow. Which, of course, is when I'll give up sweets.

This plateau I've been in? This is why. My inability to change my root behaviours and start consistently making the right choices. And I don't need to start thinking that I'm at my ideal weight because I know I can lose more. I just need to focus on the parts of my behaviour that end up sabotaging my weight loss and figure out how to overcome them.

Don't worry, I'll be sure to share my successes - and failures!

WW Weigh-In #29

Not bad news this week, but not really good either:

Last week: 187.8 lb
This week: 187.8 lb
Total lost this week: 0 lb

Weight loss target: 181.8 lb
To reach target: 6.0 lb

Sure, I had the doughnut binge earlier this week, but I tracked all those points and I was still within my range. I think the problem may be a bit...erm...south. Digestive, if you know what I mean. To the point where I may need to see a doctor. I hope all the plumbing is working just fine, but in case it's not I think it's best to have the professionals take a look.

I guess I need more than a pretty new blog design to get the weight off.

Back to the beginning

I'm pretty frustrated with my weight gain lately. It just really sucks. And I know why it's happening and I'm just being really stubborn about accepting why and doing anything about it.

So it's time to go back to the beginning.

When I first started Weight Watchers, I not only tracked everything I ate, but I also strove to not use up any activity points. I was even wary of using up my extra 49 weekly points, but I learned I could and still lose weight. I just felt better seeing those extra activity points still hanging around, unused, as if saying, "You could have eaten me, but you didn't! Good for you!"

I know I'm supposed to use up those points; WW is structured that way so I'll still lose weight even if I have zero extra points at the end of each week. I also know it's a psychological thing with me, having those activity points left over.

But the kicker? Back when I was doing that, I was enjoying what I was eating, I didn't feel deprived, I was working out frequently enough to feel good but not so much to feel over-extended - in short, everything was great.

So what the heck happened?

Simple: I got lazy. I started taking things for granted. I started cheating on tracking points. I started assuming I knew how to make the right decisions.

Time to stop doing all that and refresh this weight loss journey. Time to stop making excuses. Time to start being honest with myself.

And time to start losing weight again!

Bathing suit blues

The house hunting has been a bit of a downer lately and the heat here in the city has been almost unbearable, so the Beau and I took advantage of an invitation to the cottage and spent the weekend on Georgian Bay.

'Twas heavenly.

We spent the weekend kayaking, swimming, reading, sleeping, eating delicious food, drinking delicious wine and spending time with family (we were with the Beau's parents and sister). It was relaxing, refreshing, rejuvenating - it was just what we needed.

Yet, despite being with family and with the man who loves me, despite being in a sheltered spot with few people around (or at least around in close proximity), despite no one really caring what I look like, I could barely stand to be in my bathing suit. (Yes, the bathing suit I was so excited to have bought.)

I honestly don't know what's wrong with me. Sure, I know where my bathing suit anxiety comes from but that should help me defeat it, rather than continue to fan the flames. Why am I so worried about how I look? Why do I feel the need to constantly adjust, lest a perceived bulge appear in the wrong place? Why do I have to ask the Beau if I look okay?

And, it turns out, both the tankini tops I bought are too big in the torso, at least when I'm in the water. Both of them float around my midsection like an underwater tarp and then cling in folds when I'm out of the water. This isn't a bad thing, really, as it keeps them from being too tight and therefore inducing further flab panic, but it doesn't do much to help me feel better about myself (because now I feel like some dumpy broad in a dumpy suit).

In the past, there have been summers where I've pretty much lived in a bathing suit and I wasn't nearly this anxious. Sure, I was aware of how jiggly I was but I was baby-sitting those summers and too busy running after a kid to really worry. But now I'm just so aware of everything (I perceive to be) wrong with my swimsuit-clad body.

And it's becoming exhausting to despise myself this much, even with my weight loss success and renewed exercise momentum. I guess I have hit a plateau, and I know I have to work to get past it - and I will. But I'd be just fine to not have to wear a bathing suit pretty much ever again.

WW Weigh-In #26

Week 26! That's halfway through the year! I fully plan to stick to WW for the rest of the year (even with my sporadic points tracking) so this is my midterm weigh-in. I was fully expecting more gain but I was pleasantly surprised:

Last week: 186.8 lb
This week: 185.2 lb
Total lost this week: 1.6 lb

Weight loss target: 181.8 lb
To reach target: 3.4 lb

Once again, I see myself staring down about three and a half pounds from losing 10% of my starting body weight. I want this SO BAD. I can do it! I can do it! I can do it!

Because it's the halfway point of the year, I wanted to also share the good, the bad and the ugly of what I've learned through the past 26 weeks.

Weight
The good: I've lost - and kept off - 15 pounds since starting. 15 pounds COMPLETELY gone!
The bad: I've been slipping of late, gaining and losing the same five pounds. But I'm still working on getting past that.
The ugly: I still get more irritated and annoyed than I should when I see how women are portrayed in the media and the expectations of how they should look. I still need to work on better body acceptance.

Food
The good: I've discovered healthier food that I actually like and I've been enjoying eating better. I'm also getting better with food portions.
The bad: I still have my moments of weakness, usually involving chocolate.
The ugly: Pizza. It's my biggest weakness and I always eat too much. I'm beginning to think it's got to be all or nothing.

Clothes
The good: I'm fitting into smaller sizes! Woo hoo!
The bad: I'm shrinking out of clothes I haven't had for very long.
The ugly: Nada. This is going really well!

Exercise
The good: Through WW, I'm discovering the points values for various activities and, really, I'd rather accumulate as many activity points as I can - which means lots of exercising - which is good for me and my weight!
The bad: I still struggle with motivation, but I'm getting better.
The ugly: I'm not as far as I'd like to be with my running and 5K training, but I'm hoping to turn that around with my Couch to 5K program.

Overall though, I'm happy with what I've been learning and how far I've come. I know I still have work to do and some struggles to overcome but it's still a learning process and I'm going to find that sweet spot where my ideal weight, ideal menu and ideal lifestyle all come together in perfect harmony.

No carbs, no loss

I hopped on the scale quickly this morning to see if forgoing carbs for two days had any immediate effect on my weight. The result: no change at all. I'm still at the same as my Wednesday weigh-in, 186.5 lb.

I hadn't expected any huge change, I was really just curious. I'm also not sure if I want to continue with this. While it seems incredibly easy - and I did eat well the past two days - I was incredibly tired and sluggish all day yesterday and this morning. I could hardly get myself out of bed! Of course, I'm making a completely non-scientific, non-doctor-supported, hugely generalized conclusion by saying that two days of no carbs makes me sleepy and sluggish and blah.

So will I try it again? Maybe one more week; I honestly can't say for sure. I do know, though, that this is not something I want to do for the rest of my life so unless I start losing huge amounts of weight, I just don't think it's going to be worth it. And if I do lose huge amounts of weight, I'm sure I'll put a bunch of it back on as soon as I start eating carbs seven days a week.

And so it goes with the fad diets.

Sleeeeeeeeeeeeep

Ugh, daylight savings. I know I should be all excited to "spring forward" and get an extra hour of daylight but this time change always kicks me HARD in the bum. And I didn't help myself on Saturday either; I was at my mom's repainting her kitchen and doing other decorative updates (including assembling Ikea furniture) and I was up until 1:30 am - which was really 2:30 am.

Add to this that I've been having trouble sleeping lately (I keep waking up in the middle of the night and sometimes say things; last night I was worried about where the cat was) and today I'm a sleepy girl. It's something that's making me more aware of the importance of good sleep and good sleeping habits.

Getting enough sleep is helpful with weight loss, as some research suggests lack of sleep can cause a spike in the hormones that make you feel hungry (WW has an article on that here). I know that I tend to crave crappier food when I'm tired plus I also lack the energy to work out so it's a double whammy. I also need to get up earlier; I've been lazy and not leaving enough time to eat breakfast at home so I've been resorting to breakfast at Tim Horton's. I'm much better off when I eat my oatmeal with blueberries than when I eat a Tim's breakfast wrap (which, when it's just egg and cheese, is only 7 points, but combined with my 2-point coffee, that's 9 points for breakfast). It's also making a dent in my wallet.

So with the time change and the advent of spring, my new challenge to myself is to regulate my sleep habits. My schedule is erratic but I want to try to go to bed at the same time and get up at the same time as often as I can. The results will only be beneficial to me, in so many ways.

The next weigh-in

I let myself go the past couple of days and I'm pretty sure tomorrow's weigh-in will be a gain. I know that's okay but I can't help feeling a little frustrated with myself. I knew after last week's weigh-in that I had to smarten up, be more aware of what I ate, keep up my activity, get back to the habits I had when I started WW. So it's hard not to beat myself up (of course, I'm writing this pre-weigh-in and I could surprise myself) and I know I'll be disappointed if the scale shows a gain. And it's almost spring!

My new mantra: get back on track!

What do I really weigh?

When it comes to how much I weigh, it's so easy to be discouraged by the number on the scale and wish it was lower and to believe that I could easily be 120 lb or something like that. I was thinking about this the other day and I started to wonder, what amount of my weight is unchangeable? Sure, I can get thinner thighs or a tauter stomach, but there are bits of me that won't get smaller or lighter, like my skeleton or my organs.

So, I turned to the trusty (well, "trusty") internets to see what I could find out.

I'm currently at 188.8 lb. Of that, here's what's constant:

My skin: about 20 lb
My skeleton: about 14% of my total body weight, or 26.4 lb
My intestines: 7.5 lb (4 lb for the large, 3.5 lb for the small)
My lungs: 5 lb for both
My brain: 3 lb
My heart: 0.6 lb
My blood: about 8% of my total body weight, or 15 lb

Total: 77.5 lb

I don't know how much fat or muscle I have in my body or what that weighs. But I have been able to account for 77.5 lb of my weight. That leaves 111.3 lb of fat, muscle, other organs, things like that. Looking at 111.3 lb, that number doesn't seem so bad, especially when I know I'm going to keep losing weight. But it's nice to know that there's around 77.5 lb on me that are just part of me. 

Revamping my wardrobe

I've come to the realisation that starting a weight loss regime in January is a great idea in the "it's a new year and I'm going to lose weight" sense but a bad idea in the "I love clothes shopping and there are SO MANY SALES right now!" sense.

I've finally admitted to myself (and the Beau) that I'm a bit of a shopaholic. I really do enjoy buying new things. I am getting better, though, at not buying something every time I'm out, but it can be hard sometimes. Just wait until we get a house! (Sorry, dear.)

One of the promises I made to myself this year is to buy clothes that fit, regardless of the size on the tag. Another promise I've made is to start buying investment clothing, rather than the ubiquitous "fast fashion" items.

And this is where weight loss + January sales collide so unfairly. Yesterday I found two pieces at Banana Republic that I absolutely love and would love to own and that I feel will be pieces I'll wear for years (provided I keep the weight steady). 

The first is this amazing polka-dot skirt:

I've wanted something polka-dotted for awhile now but I can never find anything dotty that I like. It either feels too retro or too clownish. But this sets my heart aflutter. At $110 though, it's investment clothing territory.









And second, a striped shirt with elbow patches(!):

It also comes in navy, pink and green but I'm kind of loving the red. Plus, I've got enough striped shirts in navy and white to not need another. And I'm obsessed with elbow patches for some reason which makes this shirt even better. And it's a good price at $62.







The big thing is that I shouldn't be buying clothes at this stage. I should be waiting until I've lost at least 10 pounds, if not more. Though I've said that when I hit my second weight loss goal I'll reward myself with clothing, so maybe it should be this sweater.

But whether I buy these now or later, I'm going to make more of an effort to buy clothes I can wear for years and years, not just because they're fashionable but because they're classic pieces that fit me well. And it's well-fitting clothes that are most important; if clothes fit me well, I'll look good and feel good and that's what I want!

Welcome to 2012!

This is going to be a good year and not just because I'm pretty sure the Mayans were wrong.  It's only January 2 but there are already a few good things in the air for this year, including:

- the Beau and I hope to buy a house (!!!)
- my student loans should be finally paid off (!!!!)
- I'm hoping to run a 5K in the fall (!?!?!?!)

As for my 2011 goals, I didn't really end up where I wanted to with them. The closest I came was with my student debt. I wanted to be at $5,000 owing and I'm sitting at about $5,200, which is still damn good. I paid off about $11,000 this past year which I'm ridiculously proud of. My other goals, though, not so much...

With my running, I'm still doing well but only managed to hit 4k before the end of the year and that's still with walking breaks. But I'm going to keep working at that because I do enjoy running.

The rest of my goals were all dependent on my weight and fitting into clothes and that just didn't happen. When I started my weight loss plans, I weighed 200.2 lb. I weighed myself today to see where I was and I'm currently at 202.0 lb.

That's right: despite all my weight yo-yoing and missed targets and readjustments I managed to finish the year weighing more than when I started. To be honest, I'm fighting back tears right now but I know some of that weight gain is superficial; I haven't been drinking as much water as I usually do so I bet that within a couple of days I'll be down a couple of pounds as I rehydrate and get some of the salt out of my system. And I've also eaten rather well the past two weeks (read: delicious yet not healthy). Over the course of the Christmas season, I've had lobster; baked potatoes and mashed potatoes; turkey with gravy; stuffing with sausage; roast beef; roast ham (twice!); barbequed goose; pecan tarts; shortbread; bacon and eggs at least four times for breakfast; at least two bottles of wine to myself; cheese (delicious, delicious cheese); and myriad chocolates and other sweets. I've also worked out once since December 22 - though I did have a lovely walk with some of the Beau's family over the holidays.

While eating like this is to be expected this time of year, it doesn't make me feel any better. Right now, I feel lumpy and swollen and soft and doughy and I really hate that feeling. So I'm going to keep up with my weigh loss goals and weekly weigh-ins but there's a new twist. This afternoon, as a gift to myself, I joined Weight Watchers online.

I know other people who have used/are using Weight Watchers to great success and I just wasn't doing what I needed to do on my own. I put off joining Weight Watchers saying that I should spend my money on my debt repayment but the real reason was because I felt like a failure by seeking help. See, I have a real problem asking for and accepting help. I always feel like I should be able to do things on my own - and when I can't I just quit. But losing weight is something I really need to do to feel better about myself. Right now, I don't even want the Beau - the man who has committed to loving me for the rest of our lives - to see me naked. How awful is that?! Really awful is the correct answer.

So I'm accepting help and not feeling ashamed about it. Instead, I'm feeling proud and excited because now I'll have a real structure and schedule to work with (and, let's face it, that's what I love - it's what I do professionally, for the most part!) and clear goals. Here's the breakdown:

- I've set Wednesday as my weigh-in day so I'll be keeping up that part of the plan.
- my daily points are at 32.
- my weekly extra points are 49
- my weekly activity points are 14

Since I just signed up less than an hour ago, I'm going to start tracking all my meals tomorrow. (Today is also my last day of holidays, so I feel like I should be allowed one last day of sloth and gluttony.) My first goal is to lose 5% of my weight, which would bring me to 191.9 lb. I'm hoping to see that number sooner than later!

To go along with this, I've been thinking about what kind of rewards I'd like to give myself because, hey, I should be rewarded, right? There are two things I have in mind: clothes and books. I have a list of 10 books I'd like to read and I've been thinking a lot about my personal style and the fact that I don't really have one and what I'd like to cultivate as my style. So as I hit each goal I'm going to reward myself with either a book or an item of clothing. My first reward will be a book as I'm hoping to be lighter before I buy more clothes!

Phew, what a long entry! Losing weight won't be my only plan for 2012 but it's the main one. I'll post later about the other things I'd like to accomplish this year and I'll be back on Wednesday to track my weight.

Here's to a happy, healthy, lighter 2012!

Up-Down Challenge Weigh-in #36

Yes it's Monday. Yes I'm finally posting about my weigh-in last Wednesday. But I have good reason for being late: I doubted the accuracy of my scale and had to figure out how to test it. The solution presented itself over the weekend, as I started my Christmas baking and a key part of baking is flour. So while shopping for ingredients I picked up an 11 lb bag of flour - which turned out to be the perfect thing to test my scale, as I know exactly how much it weighs.

Boo-yah!

I had convinced myself my scale was off and felt rather smug when putting the bag of flour on said scale. And the reading? 

11 pounds.  Which is how much the bag of flour weighs. Which means my scale works just fine. Which means my weight is what it say it is. Which is rather shitty.

So...the weigh-in:

Last week: 196.4 lb
This week: 196.4 lb

Okay, no change is better than gaining.  I'll go with that.  Still, I'd like to get that last 6.4 lb off before January 1. (Actually, I'd like to get 6.5 lb off so the scale reads less than 190 lb. Yup, I'm so splitting hairs on this.)

So there you have it. My scale works, my weight isn't dropping (but also not climbing) and I baked all weekend.  Though I did learn something while baking: if you ever want to know how bad a dessert is, just make it from scratch. I'm looking at you, pecan pie with 1 cup of corn syrup.