Today is not a good day

I'll be back later with my weigh-in update but today is not a good day, physically, mentally or emotionally.

I just need a little time.

Disappointment

I don't deal well with disappointment.

I recently knit the Beau a shawl-collar cardigan.  I showed him the pattern, got his approval on the colour and went to town.  It took me about a month to complete the project and, to look at it, it looks great.  The problem?  It doesn't fit all that well, particularly through the body (it's too big).  Even though the Beau has professed his love for the sweater, seeing it fitting him improperly sent me into a tailspin of misery and self-loathing.

I'd measured - how could I have failed so badly?  Why hadn't I checked the size earlier?  Why did I even think I could knit a sweater that fit?  I was so upset that we couldn't talk about the sweater for three days, and when we did finally talk about it, it was a tens conversation. 

I was just so disappointed in myself and I felt like a huge failure.

I'm a self-taught knitter and I'm proud of my knitting skills.  But it's also something I'm good at.  Of the talents I have (perceived or otherwise) not many are showcase-able: I can't sing or play an instrument; I'm not a dancer; there's no sport at which I'm good enough to join a team or league; I haven't been able to become a 5K-a-weekend runner; I'm smart but not the kind of smart that can participate in serious conversations about important issues (like politics, the environment, business/finance, etc.); even at work, my job isn't prestigious enough to earn a byline or any kind of recognition beyond my name in tiny font in the masthead.

I am a knitter; it feels like all I've got.  So when a knitting project doesn't work out, it's a huge failure for me.  And it's not even recognition that I want (though that's always nice), it's that I want people to say about me, "Oh, she's the so-and-so who can do this-and-that." 

(I also bake and regularly receive accolades for my baking, which is lovely, but I don't bake that much because it's hard finding people to eat it, what with people being health-conscious and such.)

So back to the knitting.  And it's not like it's something I can regale people with.  I don't break out the needles so they can watch me knit the way you'd watch someone show off new dance steps or listen to someone spontaneously start caroling while out Christmas shopping.  I'm not going to take the nephews into the backyard to show them how to purl the way someone might show them how to kick a soccer ball.  I guess I just want to feel like I'm talented and when the one thing I think I'm good at I'm suddenly not good at, well, it hurts.  A lot.

I'm knitting two more sweaters for Christmas, one for my brother and one for my mom.  I'm now much less confident in my ability to get them to fit so we'll see how they turn out. 

Failure

I'm too embarrassed and ashamed to post my weigh-in results this week.

I've got to make some serious changes - and I haven't been making enough.

I don't know if I can do this.

What's weighing on my mind

My attempts at getting healthy are focused more on making lifestyle changes that I can stick with, rather than setting hard goals.  Is that smart?  I'm not sure, but here's the rationale for doing it this way:

By aiming to make lifestyle changes, I will find ways to be healthy overall and not only achieve better physical, mental and financial health but also develop the habits I need to maintain my new-found health.

I was worried that if I set hard goals and didn't meet them, I'd feel discouraged and give up (what can I say, I know myself).

Thing is, I can't know if any of my changes are actually helping without at least knowing where I'm starting from.  Since I've been on the physical health kick lately, I decided to weigh myself today.

Feet = not mine/Reaction = mine

BAD IDEA.

I knew the number would not be good, but I thought it would be better than it was.  I'm so upset by it that I can't bring myself to share it, even if there are only about three people who would read it here (and one person I live with and another I used to live with).

And now, after seeing what I weigh, I feel discouraged.  I feel like I can't do anything to make a difference.  I feel like it's all pointless and why even bother?

It's a conundrum, really.  To know I'm making progress, I need to know the starting point.  But knowing the starting point is discouraging and now I feel like I can't do it.  Sigh.

I'll get over it; I always feel like this after weighing myself and I always get happier eventually.  But even if I don't share my weight, I know what it is and I'm going to have to keep weighing myself to see if my healthy changes are working.  Maybe, eventually, I'll feel ready to share.

(Numbers will matter more, though, when it comes to my finances and financial health.  I'll be focusing on that more soon.)