Today is not a good day

I'll be back later with my weigh-in update but today is not a good day, physically, mentally or emotionally.

I just need a little time.

Still sick

Ugh. I'm at the tail end of my cold, but it's still hanging on. Yesterday I woke up to find my head cold had also taken up residence in my chest, giving me a lovely and painful bark. I spent most of the day sounding like a circus seal, only with less fun and more pain.

It's been just over a week, which is really not that long to have a cold, but I'm just so tired of feeling so drained. And the worst part of a chest cold is that I really have trouble breathing, so exercise is definitely out. My body just feels so worn out and run down.

I'm really looking forward to finally kicking this and going for a lovely run. Oh running, how I miss you!

Goal:Run

With five months left in 2011, I've realized that I've made some good changes in my life but that I don't have any strictly defined goals with deadlines (I'm a very deadline-driven person) so I've decided to change that.  There are a few things I'd like to accomplish between now and December 31 and I'm going to start listing them out, starting with running.

GOAL: To be able to run 5 km (and to complete a 5-km race next spring)

STATUS: Currently at 3 km

PLAN: Add 0.25 km to my distance every two weeks from August - November, then spend December maintaining that distance

I've read that you should aim to increase your distance by no more than 10% a week, so being at 3km right now puts me in good position to do this.  I'm not going to lie, it's going to be a challenge for sure; not sure if my lungs or my legs will give out first but I do think I can do this. 

To help keep on top of this and my other goals, I'm going to do a quick update on the last day of every month.  Then, on December 31, I'm going to ring in the New Year celebrating having reached all my goals!

Back at it

Today is August 1, meaning I'm back on the scale.  I made sure I hopped on before eating, just because I wanted to, you know, be as light as possible.  I'll admit, there was a part of me hoping to see the number come in below 190, as a kind of reward for staying away from the scale for a week and just focusing on exercise and trying to make good eating choices.

Alas, 'twas not to be: I weighed in at 195.2 lb. 

Yes, I'm not thrilled with this number but I can tell I'm getting slimmer: my clothes fit better; I'm liking my reflection more; and I've recently purchased a few items of clothing (two pairs of shorts and a pair of pants) in beautiful size 12.  I'm wondering if part of the weight gain is due to me increasing my muscle mass, but since I haven't weighed myself for a month I can't be sure.

I'm going to restart my Up-Down Challenge with my next official weigh-in on Wednesday August 10 and I'm still going to reward myself with a book; increasing my book ownership is going to be the "up" part of the challenge.  But since I'm doing the Canadian Book Challenge, I'll be getting books for that as well, so every time I lose 5 lb, I'm buying a book for myself. 

Once again, I find myself aiming for 190.2 lb so that's my short-term goal.  Here's a list of where I want to be and when:

By September 30,  I would like to weigh 180 lb.
By November 30, I would like to weigh 170 lb.
By December 31, I would like to still weigh 170 lb.

I'll be really happy if I can hit 170 lb and maintain that weight, especially during the delicious Christmas season.  And 170 lb feels like it's a good weight for me to aim for, because I should be able to achieve it and because I think it's a good weight for my body type.

I've also got some other goals, which I'll outline this coming week.  It's been nice being off the scale for a month, but it does help motivate me so I can't stay away.  But to help alleviate the disappointment I feel when the scale doesn't go down as much as I'd like (or when it goes up) I'm going to have other things to use as a way to measure my progress.  Because sometimes progress can't be gauged by a simple number on a simple scale.

Even with all this planned in my mind, I still wanted to take advantage of the holiday Monday so I made the Beau and I a delicious brunch:

Homemade crepes topped with fresh blueberry sauce, Phoenician yogurt with cinnamon, peameal bacon and orange slices.  YUM!

(Oh, and I'll get back on the loan updates starting August 10 as well!)

Seeing results

Slowly but surely, I'm logging more distance with my runs.  I'm still doing walk/run intervals, but I'm measuring distance more now and I'm getting there! 

Last Thursday, I ran a total of 3km in two 1.5km intervals, with walking intervals before, after and in between, and logged a total distance of 5km.  Today I aimed to run 3km again...and ended up doing 3.5km.  The best part?  I didn't feel exhausted when I was done!  Not only am I not as tired now, I've noticed other awesome changes to my body since upping the running ante: my legs feel tighter, not in a tight muscle way but in a toned-and-fit way; my torso looks slimmer, which I'm attributing to the extra cardio; and my breathing seems to be much better (though I am on inhalers to help manage this).

It is actually beginning to feel like I could run a 5-k.  I should probably sign up for one, but I'm still a little scared and I want to be able to run at least 3km before I seriously consider doing a 5-k.  But today I was able to run 2km straight through, so that's a start. 

Working out at work is also helping me immensely.  I find myself craving my workouts, which is great.  I've been averaging 4-5 workouts for the past three weeks and I'm fortunate that keeping this up shouldn't be that hard.  I'm also getting some obvious definition in my arms from weightlifting so that's got me excited too. 

THIS is definitely what I needed: to be seeing results from my efforts as this will provide the encouragement I need to keep going.  And maybe when I get back on the scale next Monday, that number won't be so bad.

Mid-month update

Today is July 15 which, for all intents and purposes, is the middle of the month and the middle of my scale break. 

I've been doing really well with my gym-going; I went five times last week and four times so far this week (I can't make it today - too busy at work - but hope to fit in a workout tomorrow).  And all that work is not for naught; I'm noticing some improvements: my torso is less rounded; my back doesn't hurt all the time; my arms are definitely getting definition; my thighs don't rub together quite as much; and my cardiovascular fitness is improving - I can run 2km and not be exhausted!  In fact, I can do my full run/walk intervals and not feel exhausted.  I've even started increasing my speed at the end, for an added boost and, come August, I want to start increasing my distance.

In other words: progress is being made.  And it's exciting.  I feel good about myself.  That's right, I FEEL GOOD ABOUT MYSELF! 

Holy shit, took long enough. 

Mid-term report card

Since declaring 2011 the year I get healthy, I've felt like I've encountered more obstacles than victories but this is mainly tied to my inability to lose as much weight as I'd like.  So I decided to give myself a mid-term report, seeing how I'm now halfway through the year. 

1.  Financial health - A+
Okay, I've got to give myself credit here.  (Heh, credit.)  Since the start of the year, I've paid off the last niggling balance on my credit card, paid off my line of credit ($5,000 yo!) and eliminated one of my four student loans.  I'm also paying nice, hefty monthly sums on my remaining loans and I'm still on track to have everything paid off by next spring.  This is definitely a bright spot in my health challenge, which I both love and need.

2.  Happy health - B+
I still have my mood swings and I always will, but I'm having fewer of them and they don't last as long.  I'm happy to find that I'm on the right dosage of anti-depressant and I'm happy in my job (even though it still drives me bonkers sometimes).  Also, I'm in a loving, wonderful, stable relationship with the best man EVER and we've got the cuddliest kitty at home.  Oh, and we're planning to buy a home.  I'm in probably the best emotional place I've ever been in my life and things just keep getting better.

3.  Physical health - C+
It was so tempting to give myself a big fat F here, but then I realized: I've got lots going for me physically, even if the scale isn't my friend.  Since I started running, I've improved my cardiovascular health, which is no small feat seeing how I have exercise-induced asthma (which I've finally stopped using as a crutch - woot!).  I've gone to various doctors and, though I haven't always heard the answers I want, I've confirmed that I don't have diabetes, I don't have out-of-whack hormones, my thyroid is normal, my blood sugar is normal - I'm in pretty good shape on the inside.  I'm also getting stronger and have the (faintest of faint) muscle definition to show for it.  So I'm getting there. 

Just like at school, I know where I'm excelling, where I'm getting better and where I need to improve (though in school, I never had to improve anything - I was such a keener!).  The important part is that I consider myself to be passing in all categories and I'm going to keep moving forward - though I'm starting to sound a little like Oprah with all this "moving forward" blathering. 

But seriously, the year is half over already?  Holy crap. 

"Normal"

It's a stupid word, normal.

What is normal?  Well, my blood sugar levels, for one.  And my hormones, for another.  And my thyroid and all the other things the vampiric medical establishment checked me for during my last round of blood work.

What's not normal?  Me. 

I had a follow-up appointment with yet another specialist today and he says I'm normal.  Thing is, I'm not.  My ovaries don't work and I have an endocrine condition, which is not normal.  But the endocrine specialist doctor can't do anything for me because all the scientific, medical stuff says I'm normal.

Now, not only am I still not normal, I'm incredibly frustrated.

Why is it that we can diagnose me but not treat the condition?  I'm fed up with only treating the symptoms.  It's like having a car with an engine that isn't working properly and deciding that putting more air in the tires will help. 

I was really counting on this appointment, too, to maybe finally shed some light on how I can start fixing myself.  Maybe my expectations were too high; needless to say, I've been despondent and bummed out since finishing up.  I couldn't come straight home after the appointment so I ended up going for an ambling walk and buying some yarn (Christmas is less than six months away, don'tcha know) and that helped for a bit - but then I had to walk home and walking always allows me time to think.  And I started thinking about how disappointing my appointment was...and I was back to my good ol' despondent self.

I was referred to this specialist to see if there was something that could be done at the hormonal/endocrine level to help me with my weight issues.  All the doctor said was to eat well and exercise.  Okay, fine, I'll keep doing that but it's not helping.  I last saw him in April and, since then, as per the scales at his office, I've lost about 2 lb in two months.  I told him that was awful.  He said it was good.  All I can say is that losing 1 lb a month will not keep me motivated.

Which, of course, is making me wonder if I should even try at all.  What good is it doing me, eating well and working out?  If it's not going to help, then why bother?  Apparently I'm normal, so I shouldn't have to change anything, right? 

I know I'm feeling sorry for myself right now and I'll snap out of it (I hope) but all I feel like doing is throwing a pity party, so I'm going to wallow in it for a little while longer.  It would just be so nice if some doctor - any doctor - could give me some kind of positive answer about my condition, instead of just saying I'm normal and to go on a diet. 

I'm afraid it's just not that simple with me, as diagnosed by medical science.  It's so nice of them to give me a problem with absolutely no solution.

Getting healthy on the inside

I have to get blood work done tomorrow and I'm less than psyched about it.  I so hate needles.  HATE them. 

HATE.

But this is a necessary evil because this blood work is going to help my work doctor help me with some health issues.  (I say work doctor because he's based out of the Health Centre here at work; I have a separate GP I see for the regular stuff a girl needs.)

The health issue at hand?  Well, I'm finally - finally - getting around to getting some answers about PCOS, which I was diagnosed with waaaay back when I was 18.

PCOS is polycystic ovarian syndrome or, as I like to call it, "wonky ovaries".  It's one of those things that can't be cured outright but can be managed; it's just that finding the right/best way to manage it can be a struggle. 

Among the symptoms are infertility; amenorrhea (not menstruating); weight gain; depression; excess testosterone; hair loss on the head but excess hair growth where excess hair should not grow; and an increased risk of type 2 diabetes, heart disease, endometriosis and ovarian/uterine cancer.  Fun, eh?

The main thing I've discovered about PCOS, since being diagnosed, is that doctors only really care about the fertility part.  When I was 18, my doctor told me that I'd need help to get pregnant but otherwise live my life and have fun.  And really, telling an 18-year-old that she wasn't going to menstruate and that she'd need help when she wanted babies in 15 years...well, that was just fine with me. 

Over the years, as I changed doctors and sought more information, it always came down to babies and when I was going to have them and what we would do then.  When I informed my GP that I didn't think we'd be having babies, it kind of became a moot point.  She had also done blood work and it showed my insulin and glucose levels were normal and an ultrasound showed my uterus was normal (which is good and means I don't need to worry about endometriosis) so it was left as status quo.

But that wasn't good enough for me. 

I actually got help from my work doctor because I needed him to write me a prescription for my orthotics and, while I was seeing him, asked if the health centre did ultrasounds (which I needed to have to check out my ovaries and other inner lady bits).  This led to a conversation about why I needed it and I told him about my PCOS and he offered to talk to me about it and get me the help I needed. 

Just.  Like.  That.

After near on 14 years of doctors telling me it only mattered if I wanted kids and to just eat right and exercise and all would be okay, it was so...refreshing...encouraging...exciting...to have a doctor actually care enough to help me out.  Of course, to be properly helped out, I need to have blood taken.  And he ordered A LOT of blood to be taken; while filling out the requisition he just kept checking off boxes. 

*shudder*

But I'll suck it up and get it done and he and I will chat and we'll figure out what I need to do to help myself.  Diet and exercise are big ones, of course (and that is partly what prompted my year of healthiness), but there are other issues that my PCOS exacerbates that I want to deal with.  One thing is the excessive testosterone, which makes a person sweat more.  And I'm a sweaty, sweaty woman.  It may sound superficial, but that's the kind of thing that can really affect a person's quality of life.  It would be wonderful to not have to wear black all summer in an attempt to hide my sweatiness. 

But there is something else, something I'm trying to not get too excited about: assisting in weight loss.  As I mentioned, one symptom is weight gain, particularly around the middle (which, lucky me, I got).  One way to help combat this is with Metformin, which is generally prescribed to diabetics but can also help women with PCOS.  One thing Metformin does is help you lose weight.  But I don't know if it's what I need yet, but there is a part of me that wants it, a part of me that already sees it as a magic weight loss pill, even though I know that's not the case at all.  I mean, my blood work could show that I don't need it or that it won't help and then I'll be back to doing 700 crunches a day.  (I wish I could do that.)

Regardless how it all plays out, the important thing is that it will play out.  I am getting myself healthy.  I am targeting the things that are wrong with me and working on making them less wrong. 

For this, I will even endure needles.  *gulp*

On running

I saw my orthotics doctor today for a follow-up appointment regarding my new orthotics.  I must say, I love my orthotics.  Mine were fitted for dress shoes so I can still wear my heels to work.  I also discovered today that they also fit my running shoes, so I can wear them while running too.  While they don't fit my bigger, clunky winter boots, I have other off-the-shelf orthotics that work in them. 

All this ortho stuff was necessary to ease and end the shin pain I was feeling while running.  I have tibialis posterior syndrome.  Sounds fancy, but really it's just tight shin muscles that cause phantom muscle pains in the front of my shins.  I've been doing lots of stretching for that area and the orthotics have been helping - I ran on Monday with no pain!  And, more importantly, no pain after either.  So I was pretty chuffed about this and all excited about signing up for a 5K.  Then today...

My ortho doctor told me I shouldn't do any sustained running as this will only cause me injury.  This means that I have to always run/walk, even if I do a 5K.  This won't stop me from doing a race, but it is a little disappointing.  One thing I liked about running was the ability to set goals and see them achieved, whether in distance, speed or me not falling down gasping for breath after five minutes.  But it's not certainly not the end of my running career.  In fact, I now have to figure out how long I can sustain a run before I need a walking break.  This will still give me a challenge and allow me to build my endurance; I just have to listen to my body and stop when it says I should. 

In the long term, though, even if I never run a marathon, at least I'm doing what I need to do now to get healthy, enjoy exercise without (unnecessary) pain, keep my arches from falling and keep my legs from aching.  All in all, that's a health win.

Up-Down Challenge Weigh-in #2

Once again, it's weigh-in day and once again I was pleasantly surprised - it's a loss!

To recap:
Starting weight - 200.2 lb
Week #1 - 197.6 lb
Week #2 - 195.2 lb

That's another 2.4 lb down this past week and a total loss of 5 lb and another $20 into savings!  WAHOO!!  I'm pretty excited.

We have a cat and she is 6 lb.  I've almost lost the equivalent of our kitty.  

But can I let you in on a secret?  I feel like I haven't even been trying!  Seriously.  I've made some good food switches and I'm more conscious of how much I'm eating, but this really feels so easy.  And I guess that's the point of a lifestyle change; it should feel easy.  I know there are other changes I can make and I'm going to work on that, but so far the changes I've made are easy and GREAT!

(I still need to focus more on how many servings I need each day and pay better attention to serving sizes, so those are the next changes.)

On another note, I'm in my last week of being 30 and I've been feeling all nostalgic and introspective and I'll probably be posting about that over the week.  But in the meantime, I'm feeling pretty good!

Up-Down Challenge Weigh-In #1

Today marks the end of the first week of my Up-Down Challenge (where I go up $10 in savings for each pound I go down, towards my goal of 30 pounds lost).  I have to say, I wasn't expecting to see any weight loss on the scale, not because I wasn't trying this past week, but because I'm a natural pessimist and always think that, no matter how hard (or "hard") I try, I won't succeed.  (Nice mindset, eh?)

Anyways...the number on the scale: 197.6 pounds.
(Starting weight was 200.2 pounds.)

That's a total weight loss of 2.6 pounds this past week and $20 into savings.

HOLY CRAP!

For a die-hard pessimist, this is pretty good.  For someone looking to slim down, this is pretty good.  For someone looking to be healthier, this is pretty good.

Hell, THIS IS PRETTY GOOD!

I must say, I'm rather proud of myself.  Losing even a little makes me feel good, helps me realize that I can do this and reinforces that I'm still going about this in a healthy way. 

Getting the first week done is also important for me; now I'm into this challenge and I'm seeing results so I'd be crazy not to keep going.  Some things I'm going to start working on over the next week is watching my portion sizes, paying more attention to how many servings of what types of food I'm eating every day and getting into a more regular exercise routine.  I've decided to register for a 5K run in May, so I'm going to look for a spring run and then get started on a training plan. 

In the meantime I'm going to keep basking in my weight loss success.  What better way to star the work week than 2.8 pounds lighter?  YAY!

What's weighing on my mind

My attempts at getting healthy are focused more on making lifestyle changes that I can stick with, rather than setting hard goals.  Is that smart?  I'm not sure, but here's the rationale for doing it this way:

By aiming to make lifestyle changes, I will find ways to be healthy overall and not only achieve better physical, mental and financial health but also develop the habits I need to maintain my new-found health.

I was worried that if I set hard goals and didn't meet them, I'd feel discouraged and give up (what can I say, I know myself).

Thing is, I can't know if any of my changes are actually helping without at least knowing where I'm starting from.  Since I've been on the physical health kick lately, I decided to weigh myself today.

Feet = not mine/Reaction = mine

BAD IDEA.

I knew the number would not be good, but I thought it would be better than it was.  I'm so upset by it that I can't bring myself to share it, even if there are only about three people who would read it here (and one person I live with and another I used to live with).

And now, after seeing what I weigh, I feel discouraged.  I feel like I can't do anything to make a difference.  I feel like it's all pointless and why even bother?

It's a conundrum, really.  To know I'm making progress, I need to know the starting point.  But knowing the starting point is discouraging and now I feel like I can't do it.  Sigh.

I'll get over it; I always feel like this after weighing myself and I always get happier eventually.  But even if I don't share my weight, I know what it is and I'm going to have to keep weighing myself to see if my healthy changes are working.  Maybe, eventually, I'll feel ready to share.

(Numbers will matter more, though, when it comes to my finances and financial health.  I'll be focusing on that more soon.)

(Un)healthy

Blargh.  This past week, my body couldn't decide if it wanted to be sick or not so I've felt borderline awful for most of it.  It may sound weird, but I'd prefer to get sick because if you get sick, you get better.  If you get kind-of sick, you get kind-of better and being kind-of better more than kind-of sucks.

Needless to say, my good eating and exercise habits have suffered this week.  I've still tried to be mindful of what I've eaten (especially since I haven't worked out since last weekend) but when I'm feeling lousy, sometimes only comfort food will do.  I have managed to get lots of veggies in my system, though, so hopefully that will help me get better.

Also, today I bought a pedometer that will (apparently) also tell me how many calories I burn in a day.  I'm curious to see what my daily calorie burn is, but I'm more curious to see how many steps I take in a day.  Anecdotal evidence suggests that 10,000 steps a day is the target for healthy living.  Somehow I doubt I'm anywhere near that, so it will be good to see just how short I fall.

In the meantime, I'm going to have some tea, watch some TV and cuddly the kitty.

Healthy New Year

Now that my not-so-wee brother's birthday has passed, it's time for me to hunker down and focus on the year ahead.  2010 was a pretty great year for me with lots of big changes - turning 30! moved in with my boyfriend! got a promotion! - and I'm ready to make 2011 awesome too.  Right now, the big thing for me this year is health: physical, mental and financial.

Overall, my goals are quite simple.  Physically, I want to get into better shape.  Mentally, I want to make time for things that I really enjoy and stop stressing and worrying about everything.  Financially, I want to eliminate my remaining consumer debt and really start chipping away at the rest of my student loans.

In practice, though, these goals are going to require a bit more work.

I've been waffling over the idea of blogging about my health goals because I generally fail out pretty quickly (both with the blogging and the goal-reaching).  I should say that I'm a big fan of accountability and will always 'fess up to things when they need 'fessing up to.  But it's scary to be accountable to myself.  It's so easy to set these goals in my mind or on paper or on a blog or even with my boyfriend but it's harder for me to hold myself accountable when I slip a little or fail out completely.

Thing is, I really want to achieve all these things rather badly so I think it's high time to start holding myself accountable (but not stress about it too much!) and spend this year achieving these goals.