Happy New Year!

Well, hello there. It's been awhile, eh? It's high time I dust this thing off and start blogging regularly again.

It's also an exciting time for me to blog again because I DON'T have any major life events to contend with, so I can actually focus on myself! Huzzah!

But 2013 was still a great year, what with that wedding and all. And I can say that the Beau and I were successfully married. I'm now a Mrs! It was, simply, the best day of my life.

Dad walking me down the aisle

With my family

With my NEW family

Outside the church

The holidays were their regular whirlwind of family, food and fun. But now it's done and 2014 is here and I've decided this is the year of me. The year I'm going to focus on what I want, on doing what I want to do, on putting my needs first.

This in itself will be a challenge, as I've always focused on what others want (and I don't say this in a I'm-a-martyr kind of way; more in a I'm-not-confident-enough-to-put-my-needs-first kind of way) so I've decided it's time to get better at saying and doing what I want, because the world will not end if I pick what movie we're going to watch or decide what we're having for dinner.

That said, my goals for this year are about excess, rather than cutting back. For example:

1. Eat more foods that make me feel good about myself. So more fruit and vegetables; more lean meat and steak; more smoothies, especially with spinach.

2. Run more, because it makes me feel good. I would like to get a 5K under my belt this year (I do have something else planned, but more on that shortly) but the way I feel physically and mentally when I run is more important than finishing a bunch of races. Though that would be cool too.

3. Knit more, and be more creative overall. Crafting for the wedding took up much of my creativeness last year and it was enjoyable, but now I'm looking forward to making things for the fun of it or for friends and family or even for myself (GASP!) because I want to. So I will.

4. Read more. I tend to go through phases when I can't seem to read enough but then suddenly books are dull and all I want to do are crossword puzzles and play on Twitter. This year, I've started off strong with The Demonologist and I've got quite the list for the rest of the year. And I want to start writing about what I read, too, so that will happen here.

5. Do more yoga. And by "more", I mean "any". I've signed up for four weeks of beginner classes with my sister-in-law so that's pretty exciting. They start next Saturday and I'm looking forward to being bendier.

6. Complete a triathlon. Wait, what? Yup, triathlon. It's just a wee one (375m swim, 12km bike, 3km run) so I'm confident it's something I can not only complete but enjoy doing. It's in July so I've got lots of time to train. Here's hoping Toronto thaws soon because it's hard to run on ice.

7. Be nicer to myself. This is going to be the hardest one on the list but it's something I need to do. I need to be kinder to myself, to tell myself good things, to think good things, to believe in good things. I've been seeing a counselor to help me with this; two sessions so far, with another scheduled for next week. It's been good so far and I'm hoping for more good to come out of it. It might seem weird to be seeing someone to work on self-confidence but it's something I've needed for awhile and I'm glad I'm doing it.

There are things I'm not going to worry about this year, too.

Firstly, my weight. It's something I'm always going to be aware of, for sure, but I'm not going to be obsessed with the number or with what I think I should weigh. Because if I eat right and train regularly for my triathlon, plus just run more, I'll see positive changes in my body, all without worrying about the number on the scale.

Secondly, I'm going to make a HUGE effort to not worry about the size tags on my clothes. This is going to be a big challenge, but something that I need to do for myself. If what I wear fits me well and looks good on m (and if no one else knows what size I wear), then who cares?! Right? Right.

And third, I'm going to stop stressing about how clean and organized my house is. It's a work in progress and likely will be for years and that's okay. As long as I work to keep it as neat as I can (as we can, as the hubby always helps), that is all that is needed.

It's going to be a good year, I can feel it. And with the house bought and the wedding over, it's going to be a year full of small, exciting, wonderful things and I can't wait!

My body's nobody's body but mine

Yesterday, I attended a bridal shower for my cousin's lovely bride-to-be and while chatting with my aunts the conversation naturally turned to my upcoming nuptials. One aunt commented on how my mom had said she had lost 17 pounds and then asked how Mom had done it. I said Mom was just being more aware of what she was eating and then cracked a joke about how Mom was more concerned with losing weight before my wedding than I was.

But the thing is, it's not really a joke. I'm not stressed or panicked about losing weight for the wedding.

I had a dress fitting a few weeks ago and that was a little stressing but I wasn't wearing the proper undergarments and the bridal shop didn't have bras that went beyond a D-cup (and I'm beyond a D-cup...sigh), so while the dress fit it didn't look perfect, you know? But I'm going back on Wednesday, armed with all my undergarments, and I'm convinced it will look perfect. And I haven't lost any weight since buying the dress.

I don't even know when I stopped worrying about that. It might have been when more important things - seating charts and making favours and meeting with our officiant and planning the ceremony and finalizing the reception set-up - came up. It might have been when the Beau had chest pains and was later diagnosed with periocarditis and body image was the last thing on my mind. It might have been when I started spending more time on xoJane, an any-body-positive (among other things) website. It may have even been when I did some shopping and found a bunch of things that fit at a size I could handle.

Or it may have just been that I'm really getting tired of hating on myself. Like, just fed up and done with it. Because, honestly, it takes a hell of a lot of energy to be constantly down and degrading towards myself and there are so many more things in life that are much more deserving of that energy.

Also, acceptance, which is hella major too. Being on Weight Watchers let me prove to myself that I can lose weight, but I have to track everything I eat, measure all my portions, plan ahead as necessary and get on a scale each week to make sure I'm doing it all properly. This did help make me more aware of what I put in my body, which is a good awareness to have, but the little things started to weigh on me and really sucked the fun out of living (at least for me; I don't want to take away from the success that others have had with the program).

So I know I can lose weight and I know I can gain it all back and now I know that this body, the one I'm currently in, the one I'll be getting married in, that the way this body is now could be the way my body just is. This me is the me, where I'm happiest, at least physically. And by accepting this physical happiness maybe I can move to mental and emotional happiness with myself.

Of course, I'm not about to eat pizza and chocolate cake for every meal. I'm still going to run (currently nursing a sore calf - boo!) and do strength training (three sets of 10 FULL push-ups are now a regular thing for me - hurrah!) and be aware of what I'm eating. It's not dieting or trying to lose weight; rather, it's doing the things for my body that will help my body do things for me. Eating well and being active will give me the energy I need to run 5K and plan a wedding and help keep the house tidy and go out for friends' birthdays and dance at my wedding and chase after my nephews and all the other things that make life good. And my good life will include wine and too many fun-sized chocolate bars and pizza and chocolate cake because these things make me happy.

Now this isn't just some epiphany that will last forever. Body acceptance and body love will still take work, every single day. But it's about starting with good thoughts ("I look good in this dress") rather than bad ("This dress makes me look fat. I can't ever wear it again.") and embodying those good thoughts, acting like I look good (but not being arrogant because that sucks) and believing that I deserve to feel good about myself. And that leads to happiness and, really, isn't being happy what it's all about?

Clothing sizes: not just hellish for me

I've written about my frustration with clothing sizes before, and also about the psychological impact those numbers can have on me. I know women's sizes are messed up and an article from Best Health magazine reinforces this knowledge.

It's really interesting, actually but the most important piece of information is that

"Women’s sizes aren’t standardized in North America. “Voluntary standards were created in the 40s and 50s, but manufacturers don’t follow them,” says Lucia Dell’Agnese, associate chair of the School of Fashion at Ryerson University in Toronto. “So depending on the company, the ‘ideal’ 34-28-34 woman could be a size 4, 6, or 12.”"

 It also horrifies me that, for some, the 'ideal' waist is 28" and that is synonymous with a size 12. No wonder women all over have such trouble shopping for clothes!

I also know that this is nothing new, that clothing sizes have been wonky for a long time and, as the article mentions, that some manufacturers size their clothing based on their target market. And I also understand why clothing sizes can't be standardized because women's shapes differ as well.

But men have it easy with sizing in actual inches rather than arbitrary even numbers. I understand that women can be vain when it comes to sizes (like me cutting size tags out of my clothes so the Beau doesn't see them when he does laundry) but why can't the switch be made for women's clothing? Why are we forced to labour over the desire to be a size 2 or size 4 or whatever number is deemed 'perfect' at any given time?

Since I know that will never happen, I guess it's up to me to overcome my fixation with the number on the tag and go with what fits, regardless of size.

One day I'll overcome that. One day...

The Great Pants Shopping Debacle of 2013

After the holidays, none of my jeans fit. (At least none of the jeans I wanted to wear; my skinny jeans still fit which was just cruel because at that point I felt everything BUT skinny.) Because denim is a staple of my office wardrobe this was a bit of a problem so I had to suck it up and venture into the deepest pits of pain and insanity and go...pants shopping.

I've mentioned before that I love shopping and I do, just not always for myself. One of my favourite shopping pastimes is to pick out clothes for the Beau and when we shop together, he always has huge success. But shopping for myself is just not that fun.

A woman needs pants, though, so the Beau and I ventured into Sherway Gardens to find me some jeans. I wanted to get good quality denim though I balk at spending $200 or more on jeans; I just can't do it. The other main factor in my pants shopping is my size and knowing what stores will fit me. I don't even bother with True Religion or Jean Machine or Aritizia because they don't carry sizes that fit my bottom half and I just don't need that kind of embarrassment. It's already hard enough going into some stores and having to go for the largest size on the rack, not knowing if it will actually fit.

So I had my stores in mind: Gap, Banana Republic and Jacob. Sherway Gardens is a fairly large mall with dozens of women's stores and I had three to go to. THREE. Roots and Eddie Bauer also made the short list if I struck out at any of these ones. We started with Banana Republic, where the Beau had to drag me away from the wrap dresses to the denim wall. I've never actually tried on pants at Banana Republic and thought I'd give it a shot - until I chickened out. I made an excuse that the pants were too expensive and we left.

Jacob was second on the list and having a huge sale so I stocked up on things to try (if I'm going into a change room, I'd better have at least four things to try on). I managed to squeeze myself into three pairs of jeans (one pair was eliminated instantly) but - miraculously - two pairs fit! I tried very hard to focus on the fact that they fit rather than the fact they were the largest size available in the store and was mostly successful. While one pair was far too long (and hemming would have eliminated the boot-cut leg) I did buy a pair of straight-leg jeans.

We then went to Gap where, after trying on eight pairs, I managed to find two (TWO!) that fit. The saleswoman at Gap was most wonderful too; I think she could tell that, for me, trying on pants was akin to death by a thousand cuts so she brought me various sizes and styles and always complimented me when I came out of the change room. The Beau was also wonderful the entire time, reminding me that it wasn't my body that was weird, it was how the clothing industry decided to size things.

So I was able to leave the mall with three new pairs of jeans. Why a debacle, you say? Because the whole experience completely destroyed my self-confidence, nevermind that I was still bloated and soft from an overly indulgent holiday. Sure, I probably went pants shopping at the worst time (body-wise) but when nothing fit, it was a necessary evil. And the frustration and self-defeat I felt was almost overwhelming. Had I been alone, there's a very good chance I would have left several stores either near tears or in tears.

Clothing sizes are so ridiculous but they still exist as another number to be applied to our bodies and it's something I continue to struggle with (and have written about here many times). Men have it easy when it comes to pants: waist size + inseam, all in inches. Women? We get that stupid 2/4/6/etc sizing and depending on the store, the number can equal different waist sizes. In one place, a size 12 equals a 32" waist while another store has size 14 at a 32" waist and yet another puts the size 14/16 at a 32" waist. And then other stores have denim sized in inches and other pants sized in single or double digits. AND they don't have pants sizes that go as high as denim sizes so when I think I've found a store where I can buy pants I learn I can only buy denim there because the pants sizes don't go big enough for me. (Seriously, who decided THAT was a good idea? Wouldn't you want a person to come back to your store for everything, not just jeans?)

After shopping, I posted on Facebook about how I'll never understand how women's pants sizes work and many of my friends expressed their own frustration - and these women were of all shapes and sizes! So that got me thinking: who on Earth are these clothing sizes made for? I mean, there must be SOME woman out there who fits into these sizes, no matter what? Because women come in all shapes and sizes and, yes, I know there's no such thing as "one size fits all", but if so many of us have problems finding pants that fit, why haven't pants sizes changed?

(Though I suppose my Facebook feed is not quite enough evidence to support my sweeping generalizations, but still.)

Today I'm wearing my jeans from Jacob and I feel good in them. They're not cutting into my stomach nor are they too tight anywhere. But this morning, after drying off from my shower, I caught sight of my belly and it wasn't pretty. So I'm conflicted: I'm sitting here in pants that fit me well and are comfortable to wear yet I know that my stomach is bigger than I'd like and that my jeans are a size bigger than I'd like. Even my successes can easily become failures.

Stupid pants.

The best day ever

I had a most wonderful day yesterday.

It actually started Saturday evening, when my (officially-future-but-unofficially-current) sister-in-law emailed me about going ice skating Sunday morning. She and I had talked about this before and thanks to her initiative it was finally to be realized. She picked me up Sunday morning and we headed off to Colonel Sam Smith Skating Trail, an awesome figure-8 trail in Etobicoke. During our lovely 45-minute skate, I mentioned I was picking up my wedding dress later that afternoon and that the Beau may or may not be coming with me.

It just so happened she had no other plans for the day and when the Beau opted not to go get my dress with me, she came along and we had a lovely afternoon of shopping and lunch out.

Now, I've had plenty of days like this (though this is my first with her) so what made it so special? Sure, picking up my wedding dress was pretty awesome and having the chance to show her my first choice for bridesmaids dresses (she's also in the wedding) and getting her ringing endorsement was great. And spending a few hours wandering around Michael's was wonderful too.

But what really made it the best was the informal conversations we had that, from time to time, ventured into clothing size territory. And, for the first time in a very long time, I had a conversation about clothes sizes that didn't focus on how high (boo) or low (yay) the number was or on how a little bit of weight gain was the end of the world or how certain body types are preferred over others.

And it was so refreshing!

I don't even think she realized she was doing this, but it was wonderful to spend an afternoon with a woman who is comfortable in her body; who is aware that fitness is important but who does it to make herself feel good rather than to conform to a certain ideal; who never once said anything to me to make me feel bad about myself or my clothing sizes.

I came home and gushed all this to the Beau and how it made me realize that I look good the way I am and that it's okay to want to lose weight and to get in shape but to do it for me rather than because external influences think I should and that it's no big deal what the number is on the tag as long as the clothes fit well.

He looked and me, smiling, and said, "That's what I've been telling you!"

And, yes, he has been telling me that and of course I listened to him but I never really believed it until yesterday. It's amazing how such a simple thing - an afternoon shopping with my sister-in-law - turned in to such an epiphany-filled day.

I think I just might finally be on my way to really, truly, honestly loving myself and it's a wonderful feeling.

Then and Now

I've considered myself to be "fat" (you know, the f-word) since I was about 10 years old and my classmates starting saying I was fat. That was 22 years ago and it's only been since joining WW that I've stopped seeing myself as fat and started seeing myself as curvy, fit and healthy.

The irony is that, even at 186.8 lb, I'm still heavier than I ever was at 10 or my teens or even in my 20s. Thinking back, I'd love to be that size again (okay, not the size of a 10-year-old, but you know what I mean). I'm finally on my way to getting there but I never weighed myself back then so I don't know what my target weight is. But I think this is a good thing because I don't want to be beholden to a target number that seems daunting or so out of reach as to discourage me.

So how will I know? The short answer: Reitman's.

(Okay, I'll also give the long answer.)

Growing up in Parry Sound, there weren't a lot of clothing stores for the discerning teen - or any teen, really. There was one trendy store, where you could buy $100 pairs of jeans and logo-emblazoned tees and sweaters. Like any label-conscious teen, I shopped there, but couldn't always afford it. When Reitman's arrived, it was a blessing, as there were suddenly shirts, skirts and casual pants I could buy for decent prices that fit me well. I was also a regular church-goer at this time, so I bought a lot of my dress clothes there, too. I still remember my favourite pair of cargo pants came from Reitman's - and my mom kept wearing them! I even bought her her own pair (in a different colour, so as to differentiate) but she kept wearing mine. Hmph!

Even as a teenager, I was conscious of the size on the label and wanted to keep that number as low as possible. I generally fit into a size 11 at Reitman's, but sometimes had to go for a size 13 - which was soul crushing, to say the least. I think it was also the largest size at the time, which was a double-whammy; no teenager wants to be the biggest size in the store!

Nowadays, I still find myself perusing Reitman's and I've bought a few things from there over the past few years. Most recently, I bought a pair of jeans, size 13 (which is no longer the largest size, but is still size 13). I'm wearing those jeans today and they're getting baggy on me. THIS is the indicator that means so much to me, that I'm shrinking out of one size and into another, the same size I fit into in high school!

(Now I understand that a size 11 in 1995 and a size 11 in 2012 could be very different. But just go with me on this, please?)

Really, it's just taking the focus off one number (weight) and putting it on another (clothing size) but since I never weighed myself before I started my weight loss odyssey, I don't know what my weight was back then. Short of bugging my now-retired family doctor from those years to check old patient files to find my weight (which I'm sure would never happen anyways) the only measure I have is clothing sizes.

And despite my desire to not focus so much on my weight and clothing sizes, I do need something to measure, at least until I get to my goal weight. I'm hoping that once I hit that target, I'll be able to put the focus more on maintaining my good eating and exercise habits and weighing in will help keep me on track, but won't my main focus. No matter what, though, the scale and the clothing sizes are going down and THAT is just what I want!

Revamping my wardrobe

I've come to the realisation that starting a weight loss regime in January is a great idea in the "it's a new year and I'm going to lose weight" sense but a bad idea in the "I love clothes shopping and there are SO MANY SALES right now!" sense.

I've finally admitted to myself (and the Beau) that I'm a bit of a shopaholic. I really do enjoy buying new things. I am getting better, though, at not buying something every time I'm out, but it can be hard sometimes. Just wait until we get a house! (Sorry, dear.)

One of the promises I made to myself this year is to buy clothes that fit, regardless of the size on the tag. Another promise I've made is to start buying investment clothing, rather than the ubiquitous "fast fashion" items.

And this is where weight loss + January sales collide so unfairly. Yesterday I found two pieces at Banana Republic that I absolutely love and would love to own and that I feel will be pieces I'll wear for years (provided I keep the weight steady). 

The first is this amazing polka-dot skirt:

I've wanted something polka-dotted for awhile now but I can never find anything dotty that I like. It either feels too retro or too clownish. But this sets my heart aflutter. At $110 though, it's investment clothing territory.









And second, a striped shirt with elbow patches(!):

It also comes in navy, pink and green but I'm kind of loving the red. Plus, I've got enough striped shirts in navy and white to not need another. And I'm obsessed with elbow patches for some reason which makes this shirt even better. And it's a good price at $62.







The big thing is that I shouldn't be buying clothes at this stage. I should be waiting until I've lost at least 10 pounds, if not more. Though I've said that when I hit my second weight loss goal I'll reward myself with clothing, so maybe it should be this sweater.

But whether I buy these now or later, I'm going to make more of an effort to buy clothes I can wear for years and years, not just because they're fashionable but because they're classic pieces that fit me well. And it's well-fitting clothes that are most important; if clothes fit me well, I'll look good and feel good and that's what I want!

The year that will be

Sometimes the idea and effort and focus of losing weight can become all-encompassing for me and, while it's an important thing for me to accomplish this year, there are other things I want to do. Now, these are not resolutions because I don't do resolutions. Rather, these are things I want to add/add more of to my life to keep my life fun and interesting and not just about weight loss and points.

Here's what else I'd like to do this year:

1 - Read more
I used to think I had to read more literary books because that was something I should do but I've decided pish-posh to that; I'm just going to read more of what makes me happy. I should be able to knock off a book every two weeks and I've started a reading list that will more than get me started for the first six months or so. Right now I read mostly on the subway to and from work but I want to make more time at home for reading, whether finding an hour on the weekend or going to bed earlier so I can curl up with my kitty and good book. Some of the books I will be reading this year include Half-Blood Blues by Esi Edugyan; We Need to Talk About Kevin by Lionel Shriver; The Passage by Justin Cronin; The Night Circus by Erin Morgenstern; The Guardians by Andrew Pyper; and Redeemer by Jo Nesbo (the second book in his Harry Hole series), among others. And I've got about 30 books in queue in my Kobo library, waiting for me to buy and read them. So much reading!

2 - Do 10 push-ups
For all the weights I lift I haven't yet become strong enough to do 10 consecutive, good form push-ups. I'd like to be able to get beyond 10, but it's a good place to start.

3 - Knit a sweater that fits
I knit three sweaters this past fall and none turned out just right. In fact, all three were too big throughout the body. This year, I will knit a sweater that FITS dammit!

4 - Be a storyteller
I've always had this pipe dream of writing a book. And of course in my dream it goes on to be an international bestseller and I'm able to quit my day job and work from home and write oodles of internationally bestselling - yet still critically acclaimed - books and live the life of a brilliant writer. Which I guess is why I've never actually written anything as I don't want to see this dream completely fall apart. But it's not just the writing I want to do; I want to be a good storyteller and I want to be able to translate that skill into writing. Really, though, I just want to be able to put out a good yarn. That would make me happy.

5 - Buy clothes that fit me well, regardless of the size on the tag
It's high time I stopped being controlled by the sizes on clothing tags. I'll admit, a lot of that comes from having a boyfriend who is tall and slender and lighter than me. I know that's a really stupid reason to not want to buy clothes of a certain size but it makes me feel huge(r) next to him. The kicker? He couldn't care less. It's all my hang-up. And it's time to let it go.

I think this is a pretty good list. I'm going to keep all these things in mind and work at accomplishing them all. Bring on the year!

2011 Goal Update #2

It's that time again - to see how I'm doing on my 2011 goals.  And I'm so late on doing this update.  So late.  I wanted to do this sooner; I even started writing this post last week. But then my life got supercalifragilisticexpiali-busy and, well, here we are, updating super late.  Such is life.  Anyhoo, here's the latest rundown:

Goal:Plank - I did not do a single plank in September.  This is because I quickly realized how much I hate doing planks.  HATE.  In all honesty, I don't see me continuing on with this, but I'll give it October before I admit defeat.

Goal:Run - I was having a tough go of it for a bit in September while running: I wasn't able to get anywhere near the distance I needed to meet my goals and I was tiring easily.  But I was able to rebound and I've hit my 4km goal!  Again, it's not four consecutive kilometres, but I'm running four of them all the same.  My current run workout is to walk 0.25 km then run 1 km, for a total distance of 5 km.  This is working out well so far and I'm hoping to slowly turn those walking sections into running sections as I aim for 4.5 km by the end of October.  Still on track!

Goal:Food - Also something I stopped doing was logging my food.  I've signed up for no less than four online food journals and ALL OF THEM are pains in the ass.  The problem with the online journals is that they depend on users to enter foods and the nutritional values.  If a food item isn't entered, you can create it but you need to know the nutritional info for it and that's not the easiest thing, especially if you're eating non-packaged food.  So I'm going back to my pen and paper journal and just writing everything down.  I want to see a nutritionist this month so I'll have something to show for that appointment without spending hours on the computer to log three meals.

Goal:Weight - My goal is to be at 170 lb and on my last update, I was 22.4 lb away from that (and needed to lose 5.6 lb/month).  Today, I'm at 190.2 lb which is 20.2 lb away from my goal.  The good news is that I'm moving in the right direction.  The less-than-good news is that I didn't lose 5.6 lb last month, so now I have to lose 6.7 lb/month to hit my final goal.  While this is still doable, it's at the high end of steady weight loss.  But I'm not going to let that get me down - I'm going to keep trying!

Goal:Pants - I'll provide photo evidence next week.  I simply have not had time to try them on in the past week.  I'm so lame.

Goal:Dress - Please see Goal:Pants.  Blargh.

Goal:Debt - I currently owe $9,162.21, which is $672.88 less than last month's total owing.  I'm also (of course) waiting on more money to be applied to the loan, which will bring it down by another $400 - and bring it under $9,000!  That will mean only $3,762.21 left to pay off this year.  I'm feeling a little less confident right now about hitting my goals, but I should also be racking up some overtime this fall so hopefully that will give me the boost I need.

Overall, the numbers that I want to go down (my weight and my debt) are going down and the number that I want to go up (my running distance) is going up. As for my clothes, check in with me on Wednesday, 'kay?  I promise I'll have something by then!

Keep your eyes on the size

I was flipping through the November issue of Flare at work tonight and came across an article about vanity sizing, by Hannah Sung.  I found this really interesting:

"I went shopping for roomier pants.  The pair that fit were marked size 27, smaller than my pre-baby size of 28 or 29.  I dug out a measuring tape...My size 27 jeans? They actually measure 34 inches."

While I'm pretty sure I should also measure my pants, I really don't want to.   With all the size anxiety I have I don't need to add to it.  But still, this is crazy.

The magazine is on newsstands October 10 if you want to pick it up - or check out the website around that time to see if it's posted there.

Again with pants sizes

Remember when I was all excited about the size 12 pants I picked up at H&M?  I've worn them a couple of times now and they're a great pair of summer pants - light and cotton and super comfy.  The catch?

Please excuse my pale, hasn't-seen-the-sun-in-10-years abdomen.

They don't fit anymore!  They're too big!  And it's not like I've lost gobs of weight or anything, but I guess I've lost enough since I bought them that they don't fit. 

Of course I'm excited about this - I rather like shrinking out of clothes.  But I can't help but feel frustrated that these particular size 12 pants are too big, while many other size 14 pants I own and other I try on in stores are still fitting (or are even a bit tight), while most other size 12 pants (including H&M pants) don't even come close to making it over my hips.

Honestly, I'm jealous of men and their pants sizing: waist sizes.  Why can't women's pants be like that?  Most jeans are and that seems to work out just fine.  So why is it that any non-denim pants have to be sized starting at 0 and going up by two? 

I just don't get it. 

(Although now I'm tempted to try to find these pants again and try on a size 10, if only for the ego boost!)

If the shirt fits...

When I go shopping, I hate trying things on.  I think this stems from two things: my dislike of looking at myself in the mirror and the fact that most stores don't carry my size or have clothes that fit me well.

I always found it discouraging when stuff wouldn't fit or fit properly, so I just stopped trying things on.  If I saw something I liked, I'd guess at my size, take it home to try on in private and, when it inevitably didn't fit, return it.  (Although sometimes I'd hang on to that pair of pants or skirt that was just a bit too small and plan to lose weight to fit into it.  That never worked out.)

It wasn't until I started shopping with the Beau that I really started trying things on.  The reason?  Most of the places we'd go shopping we had to drive to, so it wouldn't be easy for me to return things if they didn't work out.  I know, a terrible reason to try clothes on, but there you go.

Now when the Beau and I shop together, I always try things on, which is good, but I still haven't been able to shake my "guess-and-grab" method of shopping.  Why do I bring this up?  Today I'm wearing a top and cardigan that I've received multiple compliments on...and both I just picked up off the rack and bought.  So sometimes it does work out.

Also, the top is from H&M while the cardigan is from Old Navy - two stores that don't have consistent sizing practices, at least when it comes to me fitting into clothes. 

The moral of this rambling, rather pointless story?  I know I should try clothes on but I'm still getting there in terms of accepting my size and being willing to look at myself.  But we're going shopping again this weekend and I've slimmed out a bit since our last winter shop, so maybe this will be the turning point and I'll try clothes on, not just out of necessity but out of desire as well.

A Wednesday story

Let me tell you about my day.

It being a work day, I got up later than I should, did my thing at home and was out the door later than I should have been.  I picked up a copy of Metro at the subway station (as I do each morning) and, as I sat down on the subway, opened to the first page.

There before me was a double-page spread ad for H&M, advertising their new pants.  Now, I like pants.  As with most people, pants are a necessity of my life (a girl can't wear skirts all the time) but women's pants have also become more varied over the last little while.  Skinny jeans; leggings; trouser-cut pants; high-waisted 70s style pants; harem pants; you name it, it's pretty much in style.  So I'm always interested to see what the "new" pants are, since they all seem to be out there already.

Anyways, H&M was hawking several of the above styles, but they were new for spring so I guess that counts as new.  One pair of pants shown was priced as $9.99.  My first though was, "That's a crappy typo to have."  But then I realized this is H&M so $9.99 pants isn't the strangest thing in the world.  I figured they must be made from the leftover thread of their other clothes and didn't think much more of them.

I got to work and went about my day.  I worked through my lunch hour in preparation of two back-to-back afternoon meetings....that were both canceled about 5 minutes before their respective starts.  Balls.  However, this opened up the opportunity to venture outside into the Arctic winds (how is it that Toronto is so magical that, no matter what way you walk, you're always walking into the wind?  Even when there are no buildings around?) and headed down to H&M.  I wasn't thinking so much about pants; more, I just wanted a destination where I could wander around bright, springtime clothes for a bit and not be hassled by salespeople.

Upon arriving at H&M, lo and behold, there were the $9.99 pants.  The advertisement showed them in khaki and I don't do khaki because I'm pale and kinda round and khaki just emphasizes both these traits.  But these magical $9.99 pants also came in navy and a pretty coral-red.  I can do navy.  And, oddly enough, they were not made of the equivalent of Ziploc bags but were actually cotton. 

Wait.  Navy cotton pants for $9.99?  And they were actually cute?  I just had to give them a try!

Now, I haven't tried on bottoms at H&M for near on two years, mainly because the bottoms there don't fit me.  As the sizes get bigger, H&M assumes the person grows square-like, without hips or a bottom, just a slab of a person.  And nothing fits me.  So I wasn't optimistic about these Shangri-La-esque $9.99 pants but I still began looking for my size.  I always default for the largest size - usually a size 14 at H&M - because historically I have always been the largest size.  Alas, no size 14. 

But there was a size 12.

So herein was my quandry: do I try on the size 12 and completely crush my confidence?  Do I walk away from the $9.99 pants, because really, $9.99 pants from H&M can't last that long?  I decided to go for it.  I tried them on.

AND THEY FIT.

Holy shit, the size 12 pants from H&M fit.  Despite my weight gain over the past two weeks.  Despite not being all that slim to begin with.  Despite being all hippy and bummy and belly-y. 

THE SIZE 12 $9.99 PANTS FIT.

So I bought them. 

And that was my day.