Happy New Year!

Well, hello there. It's been awhile, eh? It's high time I dust this thing off and start blogging regularly again.

It's also an exciting time for me to blog again because I DON'T have any major life events to contend with, so I can actually focus on myself! Huzzah!

But 2013 was still a great year, what with that wedding and all. And I can say that the Beau and I were successfully married. I'm now a Mrs! It was, simply, the best day of my life.

Dad walking me down the aisle

With my family

With my NEW family

Outside the church

The holidays were their regular whirlwind of family, food and fun. But now it's done and 2014 is here and I've decided this is the year of me. The year I'm going to focus on what I want, on doing what I want to do, on putting my needs first.

This in itself will be a challenge, as I've always focused on what others want (and I don't say this in a I'm-a-martyr kind of way; more in a I'm-not-confident-enough-to-put-my-needs-first kind of way) so I've decided it's time to get better at saying and doing what I want, because the world will not end if I pick what movie we're going to watch or decide what we're having for dinner.

That said, my goals for this year are about excess, rather than cutting back. For example:

1. Eat more foods that make me feel good about myself. So more fruit and vegetables; more lean meat and steak; more smoothies, especially with spinach.

2. Run more, because it makes me feel good. I would like to get a 5K under my belt this year (I do have something else planned, but more on that shortly) but the way I feel physically and mentally when I run is more important than finishing a bunch of races. Though that would be cool too.

3. Knit more, and be more creative overall. Crafting for the wedding took up much of my creativeness last year and it was enjoyable, but now I'm looking forward to making things for the fun of it or for friends and family or even for myself (GASP!) because I want to. So I will.

4. Read more. I tend to go through phases when I can't seem to read enough but then suddenly books are dull and all I want to do are crossword puzzles and play on Twitter. This year, I've started off strong with The Demonologist and I've got quite the list for the rest of the year. And I want to start writing about what I read, too, so that will happen here.

5. Do more yoga. And by "more", I mean "any". I've signed up for four weeks of beginner classes with my sister-in-law so that's pretty exciting. They start next Saturday and I'm looking forward to being bendier.

6. Complete a triathlon. Wait, what? Yup, triathlon. It's just a wee one (375m swim, 12km bike, 3km run) so I'm confident it's something I can not only complete but enjoy doing. It's in July so I've got lots of time to train. Here's hoping Toronto thaws soon because it's hard to run on ice.

7. Be nicer to myself. This is going to be the hardest one on the list but it's something I need to do. I need to be kinder to myself, to tell myself good things, to think good things, to believe in good things. I've been seeing a counselor to help me with this; two sessions so far, with another scheduled for next week. It's been good so far and I'm hoping for more good to come out of it. It might seem weird to be seeing someone to work on self-confidence but it's something I've needed for awhile and I'm glad I'm doing it.

There are things I'm not going to worry about this year, too.

Firstly, my weight. It's something I'm always going to be aware of, for sure, but I'm not going to be obsessed with the number or with what I think I should weigh. Because if I eat right and train regularly for my triathlon, plus just run more, I'll see positive changes in my body, all without worrying about the number on the scale.

Secondly, I'm going to make a HUGE effort to not worry about the size tags on my clothes. This is going to be a big challenge, but something that I need to do for myself. If what I wear fits me well and looks good on m (and if no one else knows what size I wear), then who cares?! Right? Right.

And third, I'm going to stop stressing about how clean and organized my house is. It's a work in progress and likely will be for years and that's okay. As long as I work to keep it as neat as I can (as we can, as the hubby always helps), that is all that is needed.

It's going to be a good year, I can feel it. And with the house bought and the wedding over, it's going to be a year full of small, exciting, wonderful things and I can't wait!

My body's nobody's body but mine

Yesterday, I attended a bridal shower for my cousin's lovely bride-to-be and while chatting with my aunts the conversation naturally turned to my upcoming nuptials. One aunt commented on how my mom had said she had lost 17 pounds and then asked how Mom had done it. I said Mom was just being more aware of what she was eating and then cracked a joke about how Mom was more concerned with losing weight before my wedding than I was.

But the thing is, it's not really a joke. I'm not stressed or panicked about losing weight for the wedding.

I had a dress fitting a few weeks ago and that was a little stressing but I wasn't wearing the proper undergarments and the bridal shop didn't have bras that went beyond a D-cup (and I'm beyond a D-cup...sigh), so while the dress fit it didn't look perfect, you know? But I'm going back on Wednesday, armed with all my undergarments, and I'm convinced it will look perfect. And I haven't lost any weight since buying the dress.

I don't even know when I stopped worrying about that. It might have been when more important things - seating charts and making favours and meeting with our officiant and planning the ceremony and finalizing the reception set-up - came up. It might have been when the Beau had chest pains and was later diagnosed with periocarditis and body image was the last thing on my mind. It might have been when I started spending more time on xoJane, an any-body-positive (among other things) website. It may have even been when I did some shopping and found a bunch of things that fit at a size I could handle.

Or it may have just been that I'm really getting tired of hating on myself. Like, just fed up and done with it. Because, honestly, it takes a hell of a lot of energy to be constantly down and degrading towards myself and there are so many more things in life that are much more deserving of that energy.

Also, acceptance, which is hella major too. Being on Weight Watchers let me prove to myself that I can lose weight, but I have to track everything I eat, measure all my portions, plan ahead as necessary and get on a scale each week to make sure I'm doing it all properly. This did help make me more aware of what I put in my body, which is a good awareness to have, but the little things started to weigh on me and really sucked the fun out of living (at least for me; I don't want to take away from the success that others have had with the program).

So I know I can lose weight and I know I can gain it all back and now I know that this body, the one I'm currently in, the one I'll be getting married in, that the way this body is now could be the way my body just is. This me is the me, where I'm happiest, at least physically. And by accepting this physical happiness maybe I can move to mental and emotional happiness with myself.

Of course, I'm not about to eat pizza and chocolate cake for every meal. I'm still going to run (currently nursing a sore calf - boo!) and do strength training (three sets of 10 FULL push-ups are now a regular thing for me - hurrah!) and be aware of what I'm eating. It's not dieting or trying to lose weight; rather, it's doing the things for my body that will help my body do things for me. Eating well and being active will give me the energy I need to run 5K and plan a wedding and help keep the house tidy and go out for friends' birthdays and dance at my wedding and chase after my nephews and all the other things that make life good. And my good life will include wine and too many fun-sized chocolate bars and pizza and chocolate cake because these things make me happy.

Now this isn't just some epiphany that will last forever. Body acceptance and body love will still take work, every single day. But it's about starting with good thoughts ("I look good in this dress") rather than bad ("This dress makes me look fat. I can't ever wear it again.") and embodying those good thoughts, acting like I look good (but not being arrogant because that sucks) and believing that I deserve to feel good about myself. And that leads to happiness and, really, isn't being happy what it's all about?

And the end of the terrible, horrible, no good, very bad week

I don't often look forward to Monday, but I was very glad to see it this morning. The past week (well, nine days, really) have been pretty rough for both the Beau and myself - and it was all my fault.

It all started a week ago Friday, when I came home inexplicably crushed because of my body size. I was just so upset about how big I perceived myself to be, how high my weight was, how awful I was certain I looked. Now, I have these funks from time to time and usually a night of pouting and self-pity are enough to make it go away.

Not this time.

My funk continued through the weekend, though it broke a bit Saturday night when we had friends in for dinner. But it picked up again on Sunday and only got worse when I weighed in this past Wednesday and hated the number on the scale.

Thursday was bad. Friday was worse. Saturday was really worse. But then I realized why my emotions were so erratic - I got my period. For me, the worst symptom of PCOS is irregular periods. Usually I'm pretty good at gauging my moods and figuring out if PMS is contributing to my emotional meltdowns. I thought that might be the case this past week but I was honestly a little freaked out when my mood just didn't get better for over a week.

Even figuring out the root cause didn't make me feel any better and Saturday the Beau and I almost had it out. I think we've only really fought once or twice and we don't raise our voices to each other; we get mad, but we get quiet and go to separate rooms until we calm down and then we talk it out. Saturday, though, it almost all came out. And it really sucked.

By Sunday morning, I was back to my old self: still aware I have to get in shape but at least focused on what I have to do and how I have to work at it. And it was one of those weird things, where I went to bed Saturday night unhappy with myself and woke up Sunday feeling so much better; it was almost a little scary how suddenly my mood changed.

I'm thinking it's finally time I investigate other forms of therapy, namely CBT, which will help me change the way I perceive myself and the thoughts I have about myself. It was one thing when my body image issues dragged me down and the Beau just dealt with it as best he could, but it's another when I drag him down with me and we both end up at the bottom of a spiral of despair.

It also freaks me out that simply getting my period makes me so depressed about my weight. It's one thing when I know it's coming; I can prepare myself, be ready, understand why my pants don't fit. But it's a whole 'nother thing when it punches me in the gut from out of the blue like that. Which is why I finally need to accept that I need help learning how to think better of myself. And I wonder if this will help me with my own weight loss goals in that I won't feel as guilty or beat myself up when I make a mistake and fall off the wagon completely, but instead accept it and move on.

Regardless, I know it's time for a serious change. With so many great things happening this year, it feels like just the right time to also change my self-image.

"It's what you can do with your body that matters"

These wise words were uttered by the Beau last night, as we lay in bed, lights out, chatting dozily as we drifted off to sleep. Our conversation started far from there; in fact, we were discussing Canadian publishing and how to get people to buy books; which led to discussing branding and marketing and the power of well-known names; which led to the power of the celebrity endorsement (even if the facts aren't there); which led to the power of the internet to provide people with what they want to believe; which led to the idea that, for women, it's about how you look rather than what you can do that seems to be valued.

Which led to "It's what you can do with your body that matters."

Even though we only talked about this last night, I've been thinking about these words all day. I know they're wise and I know this is a maxim that I should live every day. I remember trying to convince myself of this in years past, but I was never able to truly believe it. I always felt that until I'd done something really amazing - like given birth or run a marathon or climbed a mountain or survived a serious illness - that my body hadn't done anything worthwhile and therefore should be skinny because it certainly wasn't useful.

I'm finally realizing just how wrong that kind of thinking is. Of course, doing any of those things listed is an amazing accomplishment, but so is being able to lift 20 lb dumbbells or climb the CN Tower stairs (hey, I did that!) or walk for hours on a beautiful spring day.

And it's also important to realize that your body does many other things that matter, like give big hugs or hold your child (or adorable nephew!) or give a back rub to someone you love or kiss your partner good night.  (Or, ahem, give your kitty head and chin scratchies because she loves them so much.)

But most importantly, your body is you. And you sure as hell matter. That's what's worth remembering.

The motivation to keep going

Wanting to lose weight is easy. It's probably the easiest part of the whole weight loss journey. If I had a dime for every time I said, "I want to lose [insert number here] pounds" I'd have no trouble buying a new wardrobe for my thinner self.

Of course it's a big step between wanting and doing and I'm so proud and happy that I finally took that big step. It also helps that I've seen such great results. But, I'll admit, it's already starting to get harder. Like anything new, it was easy and fun the first couple of weeks. I was making all the right choices, exercising lots and taking great satisfaction in watching my points totals come in at the right amount each day. And let's not forget the scale and that awesome progress I made in the first few weeks.

And then, like anything new, the shine wears off and chocolate is much more tempting and working out seems like more of a pain than a pleasure and old habits start to creep back in. It would be so easy to just have a cheeseburger for lunch - just today, as a treat - and a cookie tomorrow - again, just one - and suddenly undo so much of my progress. I want to succeed in losing weight and I want to succeed on Weight Watchers (and not just because I'm paying for it) but sometimes that isn't enough to motivate me to keep going.

So what does motivate me?

1. My thighs
I've always had muscular legs and I know they'll never look like Gwyneth Paltrow's and I'm okay with that. But I would like them to stop rubbing together when I walk. There was a time in my life when they did not and I can feel them getting smaller. How? Less friction. And I want no friction.

2. The Beau
I would never lose weight for a man. But the Beau has been so incredibly supportive and encouraging and it's been great motivation. He's also happily changed his eating habits (which were pretty good to begin with) so there isn't bad food in the house to tempt me. And when he cooks he always strives to use WW-friendly (read: low-point) ingredients and he is careful with portion sizes when dishing up my meals. His support means so much to me!

3. How I look
This might be obvious, but I sometimes forgot to actually look at myself. Before, I hated the sight of myself and avoided mirrors as much as possible. Now, I notice that my stomach is less pudgy and, when I smile, my double chin is less chinny. And other people are noticing and commenting too.

4.  Spring clothing
After a few seasons of pastels and neutrals and other kind of dull clothing, I'm in love with the bright colours for spring (though neon might be taking it too far). I'm going to have the money to buy pretty clothes so why not have the body to fit into them? Just the thought of not having to buy the largest size in the store is a HUGE motivator.

5. My dad
Years ago, my dad told me it was okay to be big. He didn't mean anything malicious by it; he was just stating a fact, which is just like my dad. But it's stayed with me and, while I know he doesn't love me any less because I'm a bit curvier, I want to be thinner. It may be okay to be big, but I don't want to be anymore.

Ch-ch-changes

Since joining WW, I've had great success with weight loss but I've also noticed some other changes that are pretty great. The biggest is that I'm not nearly as bloated and gassy as I used to be. (If this is TMI, I apologize!) This is definitely related to my better eating habits but it's also had a domino effect on other aspects of my life.

Before, when I would get dressed in the morning, I would pick outfits based on how bloated I felt - and no word of a lie, this actually limited my wardrobe options, particularly bottoms. Apparently I neglected to shop while bloated. (Who knew?) Now, though, I can put on most things in my closet and they fit well and I know that I can wear them comfortably all day. There are, of course, a few items of clothing that I don't fit just yet but I'll get there!

Another great impact is that I can work out any time now. Used to be my workouts were based on how gurgly my tummy felt and that would influence what exercise I did, if I exercised at all. And, let's face it, passing gas at the co-ed work gym is not among my favourite things to do. Now my tummy feels much better and I'm working at making exercise a regular part of my routine (even when I don't feel like showering again).

But perhaps the best change is that I'm really starting to like what I see in the mirror, especially around my midsection. I've always had troubles slimming out through my torso, something I've partly blamed on my PCOS but which - let's face it - was also a product of me eating 3 cups of mac and cheese in one sitting. And it's exciting to like how I look after so many years of not enjoying my reflection.

I'm also feeling optimistic that my happy weight may not be as low as I'd previously thought. Here I am, at 193 lb and already liking how I look. My goal is 170 but who knows? Maybe as I keep losing I'll discover I don't need to go that low to love myself. And as long as I love myself, everything will be a success.

A new month

Holy crap, it's November 1st.  When did that happen?!  It always throws me off when November starts with a bright sunny day because, in my mind, November is gray and dreary and full of dead tree limbs and fallen leaves.  But not today!  It's beautiful outside!

Being the first of November, it also means I'm due for another 2011 goals update, which I'll do tomorrow.  And I'm thinking the update will be much like the previous ones, with some progress being made in some areas and not much progress being made in others.

But you know what?  I'm okay with that. 

With the goals I've outlined things I want to achieve and where I want to be in my life but I'm slowly realizing that reaching those goals doesn't define me.  Heck, even the journey to reaching those goals doesn't define me.  They are simply things I'd like to get to, one day.  I've just put it to a schedule because, well, that's what I do.

I'm not going to be disappointed in myself if I don't fit into my purple dress or hit my target weight or even get to 5km in my running.  I'm just going to keep working at it until I get there.  I honestly can't explain when this new outlook came over me, but I'm enjoying it.  I mean, there was a moment yesterday when I thought, "Maybe I'll fudge my weigh-in just a bit, just in case I've gained a lot because I don't want to look like a failure."  But why lie?  I am who I am, at whatever size I may be. 

But - more importantly - I'm really having a good time lately.  Sure, work has been intense but I've been spending time with friends and family, enjoying the great outdoors, knitting up a storm, cuddling my kitty and spending as much quality time with the Beau as I can. 

Life is really good, and that's the best goal to achieve.

What real women look like

I discovered the best website today.  It's called My Body Gallery and it's a site of photos of real women.  You can search for women built like you, by inputting the height, weight, clothing size, even body type that you want to view.  And - voila! - suddenly a gallery full of beautiful real women. 

I was amazed at the photos I saw of women my height and weight and how beautiful and happy they looked.  So I decided, "That's how I want to be."

And I will be.

Seriously, these women are smokin'!

What worth, a picture?

I hate having my picture taken.  I'm not like some people, though, who won't pose for a photo unless their hair is done and clothes are perfect and the angle is just right.  I don't mind posing for silly, crazy, happy, couple-y or family photos; I just hate the results.

Some people are naturally photogenic.  I am not one of those people.  I practice my smiles in the mirror, I tilt my head one way or look another way and think, "That's not bad.  I need to do that the next time a photo is taken."  And then I do it (or think I've done it) and the photo is AWFUL.  Seriously.  No good at all.

The one thing I'm dreading most about getting married are the wedding photos.  Candid photos there's not much I can do about.  But the professional ones, the ones we'll want to keep forever - those I'm terrified about.  I only plan on getting married once and I really want the pictures to be keepers.  And parents and in-laws will be displaying them...I'm not getting married any time soon, but I've already got anxiety over the photos.

I think I have a problem.

Over the weekend, we were visiting friends in Simcoe with another couple and we took photos all weekend long.  Since I took most of the pictures, I'm not in many, so I asked the Beau if he could snap a few shots of me, as proof I was there. 

None of them are any good.  Zip.  Zilch.  Nada.  Nyet.  Nien.  Nil.  Zero.  Because he's crazy, he likes this photo:

Me, not so much.  In fact, it's kind of awful.  But I feel like I should stare at it until I can at least tolerate it because I need to stop being so down on myself.  Either that or I need to never be in another photo ever.  (In fact, there is a span of about 6 years in my teens where very few photos of me exist, because I hated how I looked in photos back then.  Oh, what I wouldn't give to look how I did back then...)

It's a thing, that's for sure, one I'm not sure how to get over. 

Up-Down Challenge Weigh-in #20 - and a hiatus

Because of my crappy mood yesterday, I delayed the weigh-in until this morning.  The result: 193.2 lb.  It's a loss this week, but not much; I'm down 0.4 lb.  But a loss is a loss and I'll take it.

I've also decided (just this morning, actually) that I'm taking July off from the scale.  I've become so caught up in the number that I'm beginning to dread it and I'm basing way too much of my self-worth on that digital output.  I'm not taking a break from being healthy though; I'm going to continue to work out and do my best to eat right and just relax for a month and see where that gets me. 

I've also been thinking about Weight Watchers again.  I contemplated it before but I wimped out - I'm so afraid of failure in a group setting that I just couldn't do it.  But I think it might be time to reevaluate how I feel about it and give it a shot.  With my work schedule, though, it might be tough for me to get to meetings so I might try the online program first.  I'm not going to do much before the fall, but come September, I want to have a plan in place.

And that's just it - I need a plan and I need to give myself time.  Sure, I'm not where I thought I'd be weight-wise but I'm making better changes in my lifestyle and that's a good thing.  I'm working out more, I'm eating better, I'm getting my finances in good standing and, even if I'm not getting the medical answers I want, at least I'm getting answers.  All in all, the first six months of 2011 have been pretty good to me. 

Since it's the long weekend, the Beau and I are looking to get to the cottage for a few days, which will be just what I need.  I was also recently in Parry Sound for a few days, which was a lovely break (even though I spent it redoing a bedroom at my mom's house - hard work!).  A break is definitely going to be good for me - I need to stop evaluating myself on some number and start looking at all the wonderful things I have in my life and find my happiness there.

I still want to get my weight down to 170 lb and I'd like to be at 180 lb by the end of the summer.  But for now, I'm going to enjoy the summer with those I care about (my kitty is on my lap as I type this, which makes for an interesting set-up) and just relax. 

The Beau loves me the way I am so maybe I should spend some time doing the same.  Who knows where that attitude will take me?!

If the shirt fits...

When I go shopping, I hate trying things on.  I think this stems from two things: my dislike of looking at myself in the mirror and the fact that most stores don't carry my size or have clothes that fit me well.

I always found it discouraging when stuff wouldn't fit or fit properly, so I just stopped trying things on.  If I saw something I liked, I'd guess at my size, take it home to try on in private and, when it inevitably didn't fit, return it.  (Although sometimes I'd hang on to that pair of pants or skirt that was just a bit too small and plan to lose weight to fit into it.  That never worked out.)

It wasn't until I started shopping with the Beau that I really started trying things on.  The reason?  Most of the places we'd go shopping we had to drive to, so it wouldn't be easy for me to return things if they didn't work out.  I know, a terrible reason to try clothes on, but there you go.

Now when the Beau and I shop together, I always try things on, which is good, but I still haven't been able to shake my "guess-and-grab" method of shopping.  Why do I bring this up?  Today I'm wearing a top and cardigan that I've received multiple compliments on...and both I just picked up off the rack and bought.  So sometimes it does work out.

Also, the top is from H&M while the cardigan is from Old Navy - two stores that don't have consistent sizing practices, at least when it comes to me fitting into clothes. 

The moral of this rambling, rather pointless story?  I know I should try clothes on but I'm still getting there in terms of accepting my size and being willing to look at myself.  But we're going shopping again this weekend and I've slimmed out a bit since our last winter shop, so maybe this will be the turning point and I'll try clothes on, not just out of necessity but out of desire as well.

Learning to love myself

It's not easy, that's for sure.

As I've mentioned before, this blog isn't just about losing weight and getting physically healthy, it's also about improving my emotional and mental health, and a big part of that is learning to love myself, as I am now and as however I'll be over the coming days/weeks/months/years/forever.  Because there's no fixed time limit on loving oneself, after all.

I often find the green-eyed monster emerging within me when I see slender women, who can walk into any clothing store and not have to look for the largest size and who know something will fit.  I start thinking, "I wonder what it's like to be that slim?  I wonder what it's like to love yourself?"

Of course, I'm making the assumption that every slim woman out there loves herself; after all, she's skinny so why wouldn't she?  When I think like this, I know I'm falling for that societal ideal that being a skinny woman = winning at life.  And that's not always (and likely most often not) the case.

When it comes to winning at life, I've got it good.  GOOOOOOD.  I'm working in my chosen field, for a magazine I've always wanted to work for.  I'm making enough money to allow me to pay off my debts and even put a little bit away in savings.  I'm in a strong, stable, loving relationship with a man that I'm head-over-heels crazy for.  We live in a fantastic condo in Toronto and we're gearing up to get into a house next year.  We have the cuddliest kitty EVER.  And we're surrounded by amazing, wonderful, supportive and loving family and friends.

See, I've got it good.  And I know this.  But I don't love myself.  So it's not as good as it could be.  Or as good as it should be.

And that's the thing.  My life should be better because I should love myself.  Why shouldn't I?  I'm smart and I have two pieces of paper that say so (though I only have the hard copy of my degree; never got my certificate from college).  I'm witty and generous and loving and helpful and I've got pretty blue eyes.  But I'm not skinny.

Now, how awful is that?  Loving myself less because I'm not skinny.  And I know that being thinner won't make my life complete; after all, there were times in my life when I've been lighter than I am now and my life was far from perfect in those times.  But I look at it this way: my life is so good right now and loving myself will only make it better - and I'll really be able to love myself when I'm thinner.  So I'm going to keep working at losing weight...but I'm also going to keep working at learning to love myself now.

Like many things, though, it's much easier said than done.