Word of the day: doubt (verb) To be uncertain about; consider questionable or unlikely; hesitate to believe.
I’ve never been able to take things at face value. No matter how simple, how straightforward, how obviously one-dimensional, how completely superficial, I always have to dwell on things and mentally dig down beneath the surface to come up with some deeper (often non-existent except to me) meaning.
This can be a problem.
I think the biggest reason this becomes a problem is because I’ve been pretty lucky to fill my life with people who aren’t one-dimensional and superficial.They’re all smart, successful and interesting and add quite a lot of good to my life.(This is good for me overall, as I’ve had some pretty awful people in my life in the past.) But when I surround myself with people like this I really have a hard time just accepting what they say and do.
Like when someone is having a bad day I wonder what I might have done to cause or contribute to it.
Like when someone does something wonderful for me I wonder how I’ll pay them back and if it will be enough.
Like when someone makes a general comment about something that that pertained to me and I take it as a dig at me personally.
Like when friends or coworkers around me are talking in hushed voices and I wonder if they’re talking about me and what awful thing I might have done.
Like when someone tells me s/he loves me and I wonder “Why?”
Like what I have to add to the lives of those around me is bad.
I don’t know if this makes me some kind of reverse narcissist or a paranoid lunatic or just someone with a really bad self-image but it’s not a fun way to be. It makes me wish I had a switch for my brain and I could just turn it off when I start to get like this, all analytical and determined that there is something more.
I know there are people out there who care about me and want me in their lives and who are truly good and genuine and honest and wonderful. I'm not trying to slag my family and friends, not at all. I love them all very much and I'm incredibly grateful for them. This is just something I seem to do and can't figure out how to stop.
All my life, people have told me that I’m smart. But if I’m so smart why do I persist in doing something this stupid?