Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Movie Fail

Word of the day:  hi-lar-i-ty (noun) Cheerfulness; merriment; mirthfulness.

Wicker Man, you are a terrible movie.  Yes, I had a pretty good idea you would be awful because you star Nicholas Cage, but I watched you anyways.  However, I need you to know that I did not watch you because I wanted to see a creepy, twisted, serious movie; no, I watched you to laugh at you.  And laugh I did, because you were as terrible as I thought you would be.

First, we must address this issue of Nicholas Cage.  Really?  REALLY?!  He's the best you could get?  Was your kid sister's hamster not available?  How about an old gym sock?  You know, even Tom Cruise would have been better because he at least has more facial expressions than "possibly constipated".  Can we also talk about his name: Edward Malus.  Edward is just fine, but Malus?  Is that some combination of "male" and "phallus"?  Are you trying to make some overreaching statement about men and manhood by naming Mr. Cage's character after a penis and making him into a pretty big dick?  I hope not, because that would be stupid.

But you insisted and Nicholas Cage starred as Edward Malus and here we are, one horrible movie later.  You know, I can't even go through you chronologically because that would imply some kind of logic in your story and there really isn't a lot of that.  So I'm going to start with what bothers me most: where the hell did Edward get the damn bike?  I mean, he spends the first third of the movie running around the damn island then all of a sudden he's got wheels?  Not only that, but he later feels the need to bikejack a woman?  Isn't one bike enough?  He has to pull a gun on someone?  For a bike?  Come on, that's just being a big fat jerk, that is.   See, I don't care how the doll got burned; I just care "Why's he have a bike?  WHY'S HE HAVE A BIKE? Why's he have a bike?  Why's he have a bike?"

And was it really necessary to put Edward in a bear suit?  Everyone else on the island opted to wear masks but it just so happened that the dumpy barmaid had a bear suit?  Although it was nice of Sister Ugly to have the bear suit as it conveniently gave Edward a way to blend in with the parade of women content on burning some symbol of manhood so they could get their honey back.

Yes, Wicker Man, that is what you are about, isn't it?  An island full of pseudo-hippy women who worship some Earth Goddess and control the men and need to sacrifice a man to get their honey back.  I don't care if you are a remake, that is a terrible idea for a movie...but we already established that you're awful so allow me to continue.

I'm sure you were hoping to create some kind of dramatic tension when you revealed that Edward is allergic to bees when he is on an island of crazy bee ladies who would probably worship the bees if they weren't too busy worshiping the Earth Goddess, or whatever.  I'm going to assume they worship her as you are apparently about worship and ritual and sacrifice (to get the honey back) even though you only have one sacrifice.  But back to the bees and Edward's allergy.  I'm still a little confused as to why he ran into the bee fields after getting buzzed by a few.  I mean, if the little bastards can kill you, wouldn't you run away from them?  As my beau put it, running into the bees is bee-tarded.

Of course, it would have been more than okay if you had ended the movie right there, with Edward being stung to death.  Although if you had done that we would have missed Ellen Burstyn looking like the bastard love child of William Wallace and Dame Edna.  Doesn't she just look peachy?

I guess I could get upset with you, Wicker Man, for showcasing so much violence against women but when it's Nic Cage punching them out it's just so hilarious.  I don't know what I like better: when he kicks Lee Lee Sobieski across the room or when he sucker-punches the chick while dressed in the bear suit.  Watching Nicholas Cage "fight" is like watching Flava Flav and Brigitte Nielsen kiss; you know it's fake and it's a little disturbing but you can't turn away because it's so riveting and when it's over you laugh and say, "That was pretty awful."

However, my dear Wicker Man, if you did not exist, then we would not have the clips below.  And these are some of the best scenes ever captured on celluloid.  For that, I will thank you.  And because I have these clips I will never have to watch you again, for which I am also thankful.

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