Word of the day: in-tro-spec-tion (noun) Observation or examination of one's own mental and emotional state, mental processes, etc.; the act of looking within oneself.
I spent the long weekend in Parry Sound, visiting my mom. Three days of swimming, sunburns, Sam Roberts and 4-month-old babies later, I was back in the city in my little apartment, falling asleep to the sound of sirens.
Upon waking, I got all introspective. This happens to me every time I return from the P-dot. Am I happy with where my life has taken me? Sure I am. I made a decision long ago to not regret anything I’ve done because everything I’ve done has helped make me the person I am today. (That’s my Oprah moment for the day. Moving on…) But every time I’m in Parry Sound, I look at how things have/not changed and I can’t help but wonder how my life might have been if I’d made some different decisions.
It should be noted that I’m happy to not be living in Parry Sound. As great as the town can be, I enjoy visiting but also enjoy leaving. But it’s tough sometimes to see my cousins in their beautiful homes, with their families growing around them, living an (apparently) uncomplicated life and it makes me just a little bit jealous.
A lot of this is because of my impeding 30th birthday. No, I don’t have a problem getting older (cause it happens and I can’t stop it, so why get all bothered by it); what weighs on me is how I’m not where I thought I would be when I turned 30 and it’s a little tough to see people younger than me with all the things* I thought I’d have by this point in my life.
*By things, I mean husband, house, kids, dog, and backyard, not the superficial stuff like stainless steel appliances, front-loading washing machines and tricked-out ride-on lawnmowers.
Plenty of people have told me that what I have and what I have accomplished are pretty great and I agree with them. I’m not trying to say that I haven’t done a lot in my almost-30-years. But I look at where I am and then at where I want to be and the two just seem really, REALLY far apart.
I’m sure this wistful longing will pass (only to be renewed at my cousin’s wedding Labour Day weekend) and I will happily settle back into the life/routine I have built for myself in Toronto. I know, too, about all that metaphysical stuff about being happy with what you have and such and I am, really I am; that doesn’t mean that, deep down, I’ll stop longing for all the other stuff in life I really want and am kind of impatient to get.
Fact is, it’s probably easier for me to get stainless steel appliances than it is to get a backyard.