Monday, July 9, 2012

Bathing suit blues

The house hunting has been a bit of a downer lately and the heat here in the city has been almost unbearable, so the Beau and I took advantage of an invitation to the cottage and spent the weekend on Georgian Bay.

'Twas heavenly.

We spent the weekend kayaking, swimming, reading, sleeping, eating delicious food, drinking delicious wine and spending time with family (we were with the Beau's parents and sister). It was relaxing, refreshing, rejuvenating - it was just what we needed.

Yet, despite being with family and with the man who loves me, despite being in a sheltered spot with few people around (or at least around in close proximity), despite no one really caring what I look like, I could barely stand to be in my bathing suit. (Yes, the bathing suit I was so excited to have bought.)

I honestly don't know what's wrong with me. Sure, I know where my bathing suit anxiety comes from but that should help me defeat it, rather than continue to fan the flames. Why am I so worried about how I look? Why do I feel the need to constantly adjust, lest a perceived bulge appear in the wrong place? Why do I have to ask the Beau if I look okay?

And, it turns out, both the tankini tops I bought are too big in the torso, at least when I'm in the water. Both of them float around my midsection like an underwater tarp and then cling in folds when I'm out of the water. This isn't a bad thing, really, as it keeps them from being too tight and therefore inducing further flab panic, but it doesn't do much to help me feel better about myself (because now I feel like some dumpy broad in a dumpy suit).

In the past, there have been summers where I've pretty much lived in a bathing suit and I wasn't nearly this anxious. Sure, I was aware of how jiggly I was but I was baby-sitting those summers and too busy running after a kid to really worry. But now I'm just so aware of everything (I perceive to be) wrong with my swimsuit-clad body.

And it's becoming exhausting to despise myself this much, even with my weight loss success and renewed exercise momentum. I guess I have hit a plateau, and I know I have to work to get past it - and I will. But I'd be just fine to not have to wear a bathing suit pretty much ever again.

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