I don't often look forward to Monday, but I was very glad to see it this morning. The past week (well, nine days, really) have been pretty rough for both the Beau and myself - and it was all my fault.
It all started a week ago Friday, when I came home inexplicably crushed because of my body size. I was just so upset about how big I perceived myself to be, how high my weight was, how awful I was certain I looked. Now, I have these funks from time to time and usually a night of pouting and self-pity are enough to make it go away.
Not this time.
My funk continued through the weekend, though it broke a bit Saturday night when we had friends in for dinner. But it picked up again on Sunday and only got worse when I weighed in this past Wednesday and hated the number on the scale.
Thursday was bad. Friday was worse. Saturday was really worse. But then I realized why my emotions were so erratic - I got my period. For me, the worst symptom of PCOS is irregular periods. Usually I'm pretty good at gauging my moods and figuring out if PMS is contributing to my emotional meltdowns. I thought that might be the case this past week but I was honestly a little freaked out when my mood just didn't get better for over a week.
Even figuring out the root cause didn't make me feel any better and Saturday the Beau and I almost had it out. I think we've only really fought once or twice and we don't raise our voices to each other; we get mad, but we get quiet and go to separate rooms until we calm down and then we talk it out. Saturday, though, it almost all came out. And it really sucked.
By Sunday morning, I was back to my old self: still aware I have to get in shape but at least focused on what I have to do and how I have to work at it. And it was one of those weird things, where I went to bed Saturday night unhappy with myself and woke up Sunday feeling so much better; it was almost a little scary how suddenly my mood changed.
I'm thinking it's finally time I investigate other forms of therapy, namely CBT, which will help me change the way I perceive myself and the thoughts I have about myself. It was one thing when my body image issues dragged me down and the Beau just dealt with it as best he could, but it's another when I drag him down with me and we both end up at the bottom of a spiral of despair.
It also freaks me out that simply getting my period makes me so depressed about my weight. It's one thing when I know it's coming; I can prepare myself, be ready, understand why my pants don't fit. But it's a whole 'nother thing when it punches me in the gut from out of the blue like that. Which is why I finally need to accept that I need help learning how to think better of myself. And I wonder if this will help me with my own weight loss goals in that I won't feel as guilty or beat myself up when I make a mistake and fall off the wagon completely, but instead accept it and move on.
Regardless, I know it's time for a serious change. With so many great things happening this year, it feels like just the right time to also change my self-image.
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