num-ber one: (noun) oneself, esp. one's own well-being or interests: to look out for number one.
I'm currently reading Late Nights on Air by Elizabeth Hay; it's set in a radio station in Yellowknife and recounts the lives of those working there. Kinda standard CanLit, but I'm enjoying it thus far, even if it is a bit slow. In reading this, I started to think about the radio play I co-wrote back in grade 5 (and was not able to actually read on the radio due to illness).
I can remember taking charge on this project, saying what I wanted - and usually getting it - but still getting along with the people I was working with. I remember being able to tell people when what they wrote didn't make sense, I remember taking the lead in selecting who would read which parts, I remember being this confident, capable being ... who now seems to have vanished. Sigh.
I don't know when I became so withdrawn and introverted and afraid to speak up lest I offend or insult or anger someone around me. And this kind of attitude, I am now learning, has led me into a few less-than-stellar situations. The hardest thing I have ever had to learn is how to put myself first and this is something I am just finally starting to get the hang of. It kind of goes hand-in-hand with my desire to be a happier person. To be happy, I must be in happy situations and to be in happy situations I must put my wants and needs and likes and desires first. See how it all works? Thankfully, I FINALLY do.
Of course, saying I'm putting myself first is just a nicer way of saying I'm going to be more selfish, but that's neither here nor there. Thing is, I think I'm going to have an upcoming situation where I will have to put myself first at the risk of upsetting others. But here's the kicker - I don't care (all that much). I mean, I care a little about upsetting my friends, but deep down I don't care enough to not go through with it because I COME FIRST, DAMMIT!
Feels so good to say that. I'm Number One! I'm Number One! Cause if I don't say it and think it and live it, who will?