Wednesday, May 21, 2008

I need to get something off my chest

nat-u-ral: (adjective) existing in or formed by nature.

I was shopping recently, looking for items of the spring persuasion to
add to my already overflowing wardrobe, particularly items that are
work-appropriate. While I did have some success, I failed in one
important area: no button-down shirts for me. Which annoyed me. I
have been on the hunt for button-downs for work FOREVER and have
little to no success. Mind you, I do have a couple in my closet but
they're getting old and need to be replaced. They remain simply
because I cannot find anything to replace them with.

Now, here is my beef: I cannot find button-downs to fit me because of
my, well, rather ample bosom. However, my bosom is 100% natural,
grown the way nature intended. Yet by the time I find a size big
enough to button over my girls, the torso of the shirt is big enough
to hold another me. But…BUT…I have seen plenty o' burly boys with
button-down dress shirts that fit quite nicely (no gaping or
stretching or anything!) over their beer-and-wings-and-nacho bellies.
So some guy can cram his face with any matter of food and expand that
gut to gargantuan proportions and STILL be able to find nice,
professional dress shirts but my boobies and I are left with –
nothing. (Well, not really nothing as I am able to find other styles
of shirts, but you know what I mean.)

So why am I so fixated on finding button-down dress shirts? Well,
partly because I can't find them and I tend to want what I don't have.
But also because it makes for effortless yet appropriate work
dressing. Men have it so easy. Regardless of size, they just wake up
and grab a pair of non-denim pants and some button-down and – BAM! –
just right for work. So easy. So simple. So proper. THIS is why
the button-down has become the Holy Grail of clothing for me. And,
you know, I don't ask for much. Plain is fine. Well, I'd rather not
have pockets or cap-sleeves, though…but I don't need smocking or
embroidery or frilly this or lacey that. Just a simple shirt with
buttons down the front which close over my boobs. That's all I ask.
Alas, it seems to be asking far, far too much.

But I will not give up. I am determined that in this society, with
big fake boobies popping up (out?) all over the place, clothiers will
have no choice but to expand the pectoral region to accommodate this.
If clothing can expand for waistlines padded with McDonald's and beer,
surely it can also expand for silicone and maybe even – wait for it –
good ol' natural mammarian goodness.

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