Thursday, February 28, 2008

It's crunch time

hea-vy: (adjective) usually describes a large person who is fat but has a large frame to carry it; marked by great psychological weight.

So I've finally decided to stop being lazy and to join a gym. In fact, I joined the gym last weekend and have my fitness assessment on Saturday. This is exciting, because it means I'll bet my workout program designed and I"ll be able to start my regular regime. However, this also terrifies me because it means I will be weighed. Shudder. Not only will I be getting on a scale but someone else will be there to read the number. For the first time possibly EVER in my life someone outside the medical profession will know what I weigh.

Because I'm a girl, I have battled with my weight mentally and physically since about the age of 10. Recently, I've been able to adjust my way of thinking and started judging myself not on my weight or measurements but on how I feel about myself and how well my clothes fit and how comfortable I am with how I look. (This is where Oprah hugs me.) But all that goes out the window once I get on the scale because, suddenly, everything is reduced to that three-digit number. All my comfort and feel-goodness is suddenly quantified, measured, valued.

I know it's a stupid thing to worry about, but that won't stop me worrying. And I'm not worried so much about what the number is or even about someone else seeing it, but about what that number will mean in the grander scheme of things. And how I'll feel If I'm not able to make it budge.

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