iWant Redux

want: (verb) to feel inclined; wish; like.
want: (noun) the state of being without something desired or needed; need.

"What do you want?"

Such a simple question. Only four little words, after all. Monosyllabic at that. So innocent, so unassuming.

Yet so fully loaded.

I used to think (and still do think, as a matter of fact) that what I want is actually pretty simple because I don't want a huge house or fancy cars or several yearly exotic vacations or lots of material things (notable exception: books, cause I'm a nerd). That's not to say that if I were to come into all these things at some point in my life I would turn them down. It's more so that I don't strive for these things. I don't feel the need to have all that stuff to feel fulfilled and content.

So what do I want? I want structure. I want fulfillment. I want challenges. I want new opportunities to learn from. I want good people. I want laughter. I want optimism. That's not a daunting list, is it? That's not asking too much, right? Maybe that's why we strive for the material things in life. It's so much easier to buy a new SUV than it is to figure out how to get and maintain a positive emotional state.

Thing is, a lot of what I want I can control. I can choose to be optimistic. I can choose to fill my life with people I like and care about and who make me laugh. I can choose to live my a set of rules or a structure that works for my particular needs. That's the easy part, the individucal personal stuff. It's the other stuff that just gets so effing hard. I know what I not only want but need professionally and I know that I need to make a change, but right now I think it would just be easier to go buy a Vespa and call it a day. I know what I want from the relationships in my life but if the other person doesn't want the same thing, do I really just walk away? I also understand that life really is about compromise and I'm getting better at not compromising myself for the sake of others but that doesn't make it any easier when it comes to deciding what's best.

From all of this, the one thing I have learned is something I not only want, but need: to relax, to let go, to channel my inner Pisces and just be a free spirit. So often I create obstacles that don't exist and then use them as a reason to not pursue things. I get this from my mother; I don't fault her but I know that I need to work on this.

And maybe that's what I need to do to really get at what I want.