Sad'n'blue*

Word of the day: sad (adj) Affected by unhappiness or grief; sorrowful or mournful.

I'm not sure how many people know this, but I've battled depression on and off since my early 20s. It was third year university, so I would have been 21 when the official diagnosis came in. It's not something I'm ashamed to admit (otherwise I wouldn't be writing about it on the internet) but it's always seemed easier to just keep quiet about it, mostly because I don't want to make other people feel awkward around me.

If I don't seem depressed, that's because I manage it (well enough), either by my own means or with some medication. And I don't want to seem depressed - although I'm not really sure what a "depressed" person is supposed to be like. I've known other people who have battled it and they're not weepy, mopey, dressed-in-black doomsayers or anything. I suppose (cliche alert) someone with depression is really just like anyone else.

One thing I find really interesting about depression is that it's still taboo to be depressed but it's just so vogue to be on an anti-depressant, especially one of the big ones like Prozac or Paxil or Zoloft. Sure, if you need to be on meds then be on meds - I'm not going to judge you - but it often seems like anti-depressants are just a little too trendy sometimes. But even with that, there's still a stigma about mental health issues. Trust me, it's not as easy as "just being happy".

The main reason I felt compelled to share this is because I'm a bit down today. One thing I've found that helps is to not only talk about my feelings but to talk about having depression, because once I get it out in the open it has less power; it's not that dark, dirty secret anymore, it's just another part of me, like my pale skin and my easily-ignited frustration towards the TTC.

It's very likely I'll never completely be free of it and will live a life of peaks and valleys. But isn't life supposed to be full of ups and downs anyways?

*When I was a child, whenever I was feeling down, I told my mom, "I'm sad and blue." Apparently, it was quite adorable.